Relief

We just finished moving out of the house we've called home for the past 2 years.  We made some good memories in that house but its time for a new chapter.  Because of mine and Patrick's choice for me to stay at home, we are having to make some changes.  So, for now, we will be living with my wonderful in-laws!! There have been so many changes in our lives for the past year, but I believe this one will be for the best.

Slowing Down

Everything with the Grayson Project has taken off so fast!! Don't get me wrong, its exciting but a littl overwhelming. My goal right now is to come up with a schedule to prioritize everything that way it should be.  It takes alot of work to start an organization.  I've learned that very quickly.  I have also realized that if I don't watch out, The Grayson Project could take precedence over everything else in my life.  I know that everything with this project will come together in due time.  So much has been done and so many people have given generously.  The support of everyone locally, nationally, and internationally are what it takes to raise awareness for this cause.  Last Tuesday, June 19th, I was able to take our first Grayson's Gift to a family in Jackson, TN.  The gift basket included a bible, journal, canvas with ink pad for footprints, a blanket, bib, and a casting kit.  The Walkers were extremely thankful for this small gift.  It was my pleasure to pass along something dear to my heart.  Though Grayson couldn't be here to deliver the gift with me, his life is being remembered in the process.  I want to thank everyone for their prayers, encouragement, and donations towards this ministry!! It's all coming together and I'm simply remembering that it's all falling into place.

Enough heartache for one day

I woke up this morning reminded of another mommy who was on her way to have her precious baby girl.  Stephanie Cribb delivered a beautiful baby girl, Kendall, at 9:57 a.m.  I was praying the whole time but really wanted to pick up the phone or drive down to Georgia to just be there.  I felt the anxiety and anticipation of this sweet baby girls birth just like I did 3.5 months ago.  Though I wanted to just check the updates of this sweet family throughout the day, I wasn't able to because I had 6 children to look after.  My mind quickly went from sadness to joy as I watched them jump into the pool.  Their contagious giggles were just what I needed.  I thought and prayed about this sweet family throughout the day and saw their status.  Sweet Kendall went to be with Jesus.  I cried. I knew she was with Grayson, but I knew the sadness that was filling her parents' hearts.  I know that God is surrounding them with so much comfort right now.  I know that He is in that room.  I pray that they are able to sleep tonight.  The road isn't easy but it is possible.

As if that wasn't heartbreaking enough,  I discovered that a little girl, Lucy Krull, was fighting her battle with cancer once again.  From what I understand, she was doing well until this past weekend.  Apparently the cancer had come back and Lucy had taken a turn for the worse.  For the last year and a few months, we have been praying for this precious little angel.  She is beautiful, a bright-eyed little girl.  We prayed tonight, Ellie really pleading for God to help her not be in any pain anymore.  She feels very connected to Lucy though she hasn't met her before.  We will continue praying for both families.  My heart aches because I know the anguish that overtakes you.  I know that words offer no comfort.  I know that not much can be said to fill the emptiness in your heart.  So, today, tomorrow, and everyday, I will continue praying for God's will for both of these families.  That's all I can do right now...wish I could do so much more.

Grayson Project

So much has happened in the past few months.  Just two weeks ago, we were struggling emotionally over missing Grayson.  Patrick and I are felt like we were at the bottom, hopeless.  Well, not hopeless because we know that God is there, but hopeless that anything positive was going to come out of any of our journey.  Yes, I've had visions for the last year of what could be done through Grayson's short life and our journey through anencephaly, but never, in my wildest dreams did I think it would happen so quickly.

 After a few bad weeks in May and my first mother's day without Grayson, I felt defeated.  Patrick and I knew that we needed someone to come and save us from the pit that we were falling into.  After watching Private Practice on Tuesday night, Grayson's 3 months birthday, I found my self even more emotional.  I felt bitter and angry because I didn't have him with me.  It had hit me.  The realization that Grayson wasn't coming back and that I really just had a baby and had to bury him was too much for me to fathom.  How could I have had a baby and had to bury him within a few days of bringing him into the world?

With a bunch of different emotions running through my head, I clicked the button to upload my beautiful baby boy's photo.  Within 24 hours, I was notified that my photo had been removed because of content!! Content, my baby's face was removed because someone found it offensive.  In a world of sexual media and profanity, my sweet baby's newborn photo was too graphic?! I quickly posted a comment in my frustration, and that's all it took.  With the click of a button, the entire world was shaken.  Within 24 hours, Grayson's photo had done viral.  I'm not putting it lightly either.  I received messages from all over the world, some in different languages.  That's when the fire in my heart came back.  A precious baby boy with a fatal birth defect could shake a nation, a planet?!  Amazing.

Jesus.  Jesus. Jesus.  In the moment of desperation and pain, He came.  He didn't just send someone to rescue us out of the pit...he sent the world to encourage us.  That's how He does things.  Sometimes small and sometimes far bigger than you could ever imagine.  He chose for us, far bigger! I'm so glad He did.  God knew that three months after Grayson's death that the reality was going to hit me.  He knew that Private Practice was going to have a doctor on there that was pregnant with anencephaly.  He also knew that I would be watching it and that I was already an emotional wreck.

Here it goes....in my weakness, His power was made perfect.  He knew.  He knew since the beginning of time that the week of May 12th was going to be a rough one for Heather and Patrick Walker.  So, like He always does, He proved Himself faithful once again.  He showed up and showed off!  What some meant for evil against us...God meant for good.

Our vision for starting something came into fruition within a week.  Now, two weeks later, Grayson Project, is a non-profit organization.  Did I think that it would happen this fast, no.  But, Grayson's story reached across an entire planet and you can't tell me that wasn't God's timing.  I'm happy to say that we planned our first event.  We designed t-shirts with our logo and Psalm 139:13-14.  We had an amazing turn out at the Chik-fil-a in Millingotn.  People came to support Grayson.  They came knowing that God's plan was underway.  After four incredible hours of meeting people and selling shirts, we concluded our first Grayson Project event.

Memorial Day

Today was a blast! Ellie, Shannon, Ruth Ann, mom, and I went out for a girl's day.  Today was mom's ...birthday so we did a little shopping.  One of my latest projects it to make flower arrangements for my brother Tye's wedding.  We finally found the right flowers, now I just have to make them look beautiful in a tin can, lol.  It sounds unique, but it looks really pretty.  So after a stop to Garden Ridge, we went to TJ Max, one of my favorite places!  I tried on a few swimsuits, and finally picked a solid black one.  I must mention, I don't enjoy swimsuit shopping.  Its been five years since I've tried one on.  While venturing through the store, Ellie discovered a pack of baby bottles.  She is so fascinated, or should I say obsessed with baby things.  While I was looking through the toddler clothes, she discovered how take the bottle apart and play with it.  I quickly told her to put it back in the box.  She replied, "Mommy, I want to get this for Grayson.  Can we come back and get it for him another day? We need to tell Jesus to come to the hospital and take the bottle to Heaven with Him." I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating but I'm not.  She talks about her brother all the time, and many times, its' all I can do to keep from crying.  It's bittersweet.  We went to a few other places and finally stopped at Michaels to pick out some flowers for Grayson's vase.  We chose red, white, and blue carnations and some really cute sparkly sticks with flags.  The bouqet was perfect for my perfect little angel.  This memorial day was one I'll never forget I'm sure. We made memories that will last a life time. We will never forget.

Much needed Apology

Just a few days ago,  I posted a picture of my precious baby boy without his hat on.  Some wonder why it took me so long to post it.  Here is my answer: I was tired of trying to hide my son, the way he was, just to make others feel comfortable.  I felt like people would be scared or offended because his head didn't look like other babies.  A sudden impulse, in my grieving process, told me to be proud and not worried about the thoughts of others.  So, with one click, the photo of Grayson was posted.

The next morning after posting his picture, I had a huge box on my screen that said the "content" had been deleted.  Already feeling down and defeated, I became furious.  What "content" were they referring to? My son, Grayson James Walker, was considered to be something bad enough to delete!! I was offended, hurt beyond measure, and just angry.  I told Patrick about it and immediately posted a comment about my frustration.

At that moment, I had no idea what was about to happen.  I was just voicing my frustration, but it erupted into something so much bigger.!! I'm so glad it did.  Why? I was able to share the most precious gift of life with thousands upon thousands of people who would have never known him otherwise.  What satan meant for evil, God meant for so much good.  A baby boy, imperfect in the world's eyes, touched the lives of people all over the globe.   For this mistake on facebook's behalf, I've been able to share what God had intended in the first place.  This avenue, through media and such has raised awareness to anencephaly and quite simply the importance of choosing life.  For life is precious, and God's most precious gift.

After being interviewed by local news and our story and frustration being shared across the globe, I wondered if facebook would apologize.  That's all I wanted, an apology.  I didn't want to sue them, I just wanted them to allow me to do what I feel my right is...to share my baby boy with everyone else.

So today, after reading email after email, I saw it...an email from facebook. The email was an apology about removing his photo.   It made mine and Patrick's day and took the burden of offense off our shoulders.  That was never our intention in the first place.

Forget me Not

Today marks three months and one days since we said hello and goodbye to Grayson.. You'd think it'd get easier with time, but I would disagree, or right now anyways.  I miss him more than ever.  I see all the pictures of other friends babies and wonder what he would look like.  There is a place in my heart that is missing.  I don't want Grayson to be forgotten. I want his life to always be remembered.  He was a servant, God's little servant.  He was in my arms briefly and I just wish I could go back to that day.  I wish I could remember ever detail. As I was watching Private Practice last night, I was taken back to that day for a moment.  Amelia, one of the doctors, had a baby with anencephaly.  As she voiced what she was feeling that day, I too can relate.  I remember lying in the hospital bed wondering if he was going to be alive or how long he was going to live.  I wondered what he was going to look like.  So many thoughts rushed through my brain that Wednesday morning.  Of course he was perfect and fought for 8 hours.  He was so beautiful and sweet.  His whimpers are engrained in my mind and heart. It was the sweetest noise.  As I watched the show, I saw every little thing about the baby that reminded me of Grayson. 

I miss you Grayson.  My heart is empty without you here.  Your brother and sister sure do keep me entertained but I can't help but think that they would be entertaining you too.  It's not fair but I guess that's how life goes.  I look around and everyone I know is either having a baby or just had one.  I'm sure you'd be smiling and starting to show a little personality.  It hurts to not be able to just pick you up and hold you.  I can't even touch you.   I just wish I could really understand this all.  You are still my little baby boy and I won't ever forget you.  You've opened my eyes to alot of things.  I don't think I'll ever be the same.  I know your daddy and I have said that several times.  He told me before you were born that I wouldn't be the same person.  I'm not quite the same, but its for the better I think.  You have impacted so many people's lives just because you lived.  I chose life for you, but it was never a doubt for me.  It was never an option for me son, because you are my son, no matter what length of time.  God gave you to me, Heather Elaine Walker.  I knew that I would love you unconditionally.  I miss you so much Grayson James.  I wish Ellie and Noah could have grown up knowing you.  They would have you spoiled rotten already.  Ellie would've taken you to her room and acted like mommy.  I'm sure she would have been a big helper.  She might have even dressed you up in her baby doll clothes.  Noah could have shown you his cars and sung you the night, night song.  We love you bubba.  It won't be too long before we see your beautiful face again.  This time on earth is short but it means something.  We're gonna do our part to make sure that others know about your life and that they choose the same for their children.  You just keep on working on that mansion with Jesus.  I love you.

Mommy

Time Flies

It's been 4 weeks since Grayson was born.  His 1 month Heavenly birthday is tomorrow.  While I probably should be writing alot right now, I'm having a hard time with what to write since Grayson isn't physically with me.  Even though we lost Grayson, it seems almost as if life has continued on which is really ironic.  It didn't stop.

 Everything has settled down for the most part and I do have alot more peace than I thought.  I imagined I would by lying in my bed everday not wanting to get up.  God has truly continued carrying me and providing me with so much peace.  That's all there is to it.  I don't really know how to explain it any other way.  It's funny how you hear so many different responses and opinions about what others would have done in your situation.  Some have said they couldn't have done it, others say they just don't know.  I have a really hard time understanding how people who have children wouldn't choose life regardless of the outcome.  It's your child. It's almost like saying that if you find out your child has cancer or some life threatening disease you would just not want to deal with them either.  I don't know, maybe it just really upsets me.

I hope that if people don't gain anything else from Grayson's life and journey here....they get life.  By life I mean, the purpose.  Jesus.  God is the giver of life.  He is the one who takes away.  God allowed Patrick and I to conceive Grayson back in June of 2011.  We had no idea what would happen in the end.  God did.  He knew what Grayson's purpose was...8 hours or 20 years.  Everyone can live knowing that each minute counts. That each word and thoughtful gesture makes a difference.

2 Week Heavenly birthday

I can't believe it's already been two weeks since we met our little boy.  Time has gone by rather quickly.  I can say that I've experienced all different types of emotions.  Anger, frustration, sadness, joy.  This journey continues as God uses Grayson's life to bring people to Himself.  I sit in my bed and look at the tangible things that I have of him.  They are precious but nothing compared to holding him in my arms.  It's been difficult trying to grasp the fact that he was with me for 9 months, was born and lived for 8 wonderful hours, then he was gone.  I feel guilty at times because it's almost like I never had him if that makes any sense.  I know that I got to carry him in my belly and feel the closeness of him being with me everyday, but in the blink of an eye, he was gone.  I have the peace of knowing that Jesus is holding him right now until I get to Heaven, but it's still difficult.  I don't want to lose the little memories as time goes by.  I pray daily that Jesus gives him kisses for me and that he lets Grayson know how much we love him and miss him.

Grayson's Birth

On Wednesday, February 15, 2012, Patrick, Emily, and I woke up at 4:45 a.m.  I tried to take a shower but for some crazy reason the water wouldn't get hot.  I resorted to washing my hair in the sink.  I thought that made for an interesting start to the day.  We got dressed and Patrick loaded everything into the car.  I was tired, a little anxious, and excited for what would soon happen.  I wore a pair of polka-dotted pants and a shirt with three owls that matched Ellie, Noah, and Grayson's outfits.  The shirt said Owl always love you.  We took a few last pictures of my pregnant belly.  One really important one was of Ellie and Noah's handprints.  Emily painted a canvas that matched our little outfits that said, "These are the hands that hold our hearts together."  I had more peace than I could have imagined. 

We pulled out of the driveway around 6:15 a.m. and made Patrick's daily stop for his diet coke.  He offered to get me something forgetting that I couldn't eat or drink anything.  I've always hated that part about c-sections, nothing to eat or drink or gum or anything after midnight:)  We were on our way to Methodist Germantown Hospital.   Emily put some music on and I closed my eyes and worshipped Jesus.  As we drove down the highway, the sun was rising right in front of us.  It was perfect and special.  God was opening up the sky and showing us His beauty.   I prayed for peace and comfort and anything else that He knew I would need.  I'm always anxious about surgery and hospitals, but God knew. 

We arrived to meet another one of my best friends Christina and Kelly, our friend and pastor.  I checked in at 7:25 and they took me back to my room.  I knew the drill from there.  We met all of our nurses and one of them would become a friend we'll never forget, Rachel.  I put on my gown and waited for everyone to come in.  I continued to feel the most peace I think I've ever had in my life.  My family arrived and we visited for a few minutes.  At 8:45, our photographer, Crystal Brisco arrived and we discussed a few things.  Our family came back in and we took some pictures before being wheeled back to the operating room.

At 9:30 a.m, they took me to the delivery room.  For 5 months we had been anticipating this day, and it was finally here.  The moment we had been waiting for was just minutes away.  They did all the preparations for surgery and I was just lying there.  Patrick came in and I held his hand.  After some tugging and pulling, Grayson James Walker was here.  I heard him cry and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard.  I cried and couldn't wait to see him.  They brought him around to me, and he was perfect.  We cried and held him tightly.  God was in the room, I know the angels were dancing and I felt like dancing.

They took us to the recovery room and we just stared at him and kissed him over and over.  I wanted to hold onto this moment forever.  After a little while, they brought Ellie and Noah in.  They were excited to meet their precious little brother.  For months, they had been talking to him and putting their little hands and heads on my belly.  Now he was here.  They held him and kissed him. My parents and Patrick's parents came in along with our brothers and sisters.  It was emotional for everyone because we weren't sure how long we'd have.  I felt like God was going to give me a long time.  I dressed him in his little brother outfit and Crystal took a ton of pictures with Patrick, Ellie, and Noah.  She captured so many wonderful moments that will never be forgotten.  She also got pictures with all of the grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and close friends.  I felt blessed to have him in my arms making noises and just looking at me with that little eye.  His right eye opened a little bit, but because of his skull not being completely developed his left eye stayed open. I'm not sure that Grayson could see us but I know he felt mommy's love and the love of his family.

The hours went by and Patrick and I tried to do all of the things we'd normally do.  We gave him a bath, changed a wet diaper, and continued loving on him. Our wonderful nurse Rachel helped me try to do everything that I wanted.  I tried to nurse him, but he couldn't quite get the sucking down.  I wasn't sure if he was getting anything, but when I pulled him off my breast, he cried.  Medicine says that babies with anencephaly can't see or feel or anything else for that matter.  I find that hard to believe.  He wanted to be right next to mommy's heart.  Rachel and a few of the other nurses made molds of his hands and feet. They also made a Christmas tree ornament with footprints and handprints.  The lady from Paint a Piece arrived to get his fingerprint in silver clay.

Patrick and I knew that his breathing and heart rate was slowly dropping.  He was having trouble breathing.  We knew that it was a matter of time.  After hours of crying, smiling, and holding our precious little angel we were exhausted.  Patrick crawled into the hospital bed with me and we held our little boy.  No one was in the room but us.  We would drift off to sleep and then wake suddenly.  Grayson's nurse would come in and check his breathing every so often.  Grayson continued blowing bubbles and holding on.  Patrick and I tried so hard to stay awake, but it was like God was purposely making us fall asleep so we wouldn't have to watch him in any distress.  At one point he was having difficulty and we just cried out to God and asked Him to take him.  We cried and prayed and asked Jesus to not allow him to suffer.  We prayed he would take him home.  We couldn't bare him being in any pain or having a hard time.  We fell asleep again and awoke to three or four nurses standing around us.  Our eyes opened and he took his last breath.  The nurse looked at us and said he was gone.

At 10:00 a..m., Grayson James Walker entered into our world knowing the love of his mommy and daddy.  At 5:57 p.m, he entered into the arms of Jesus knowing the love of his mommy, daddy, and Heavenly father.

Fear is setting in

Today was a pretty good day.  We had Lexi's Minnie Mouse birthday party and it was really sweet.  Ellie and Noah had a good time.  They both love Mickey Mouse.  Anyways, we had fun and ate cupcakes.  I can't help but feel guilty right now.  My sweet little children Ellie and Noah seem to be having a hard time with everything.  I feel like I can't be there like I need to right now.  My emotions are everywhere and the hardest part hasn't even happened yet.  Ellie tells me not to cry and that everything is going to be okay.  I know she doesn't quite understand what is going to happen and it breaks my heart.  She kisses Grayson, my belly, all the time and tells him how much she loves him.  Noah is still little and I'm sure he can sense some type of confusion and chaos.  He just isn't old enough to understand that he won't get to grow up with his little brother.  Ellie would be such a good big sister to Grayson because she is almost 4 and absolutely loves babies!! She's been changing Noah's diapers since she was 2 and a half.:) We talk about Heaven alot and have explained to her and Noah that Grayson is special and that God will take him to Heaven.  She asks if we can fly a plane to get there, lol.  The whole death thing is hard enough for us to comprehend, much less a 4 year old.  She is very concerned about Jesus and Grayson.  She made up a song that she sings about sweet Grayson going to Heaven.  Noah loves on his brother too.  My hope is that they are able to have the best memories with their little brother.  Of course I'm nervous and anxious right now, but its got to get better.  I just don't like not knowing anything.  I don't know how long we'll have, or what state he'll be in.  I just want time. I just want to remember everything about him.  I don't want to forget his smell or any wrinkle on his body.  I want to treasure it.  My prayer is that God continues sustaining us and our sweet children for the days and weeks ahead.  I pray that He gives Ellie and Noah everything that they need when we can't.  I'm so worried about not being the mom I need to be for them when this all happens.  God will protect them and give them so much grace and love.  I tell them every night that the angels watch over them and that Jesus is always with them.


Dear Grayson,
Time is going by so quickly now.  I remember when we found out 5 months ago.  It seemed like such a long time, but its gone by too fast.  I've tried to think of ways to make memories that we can hold onto with you.  Of course, I feel as though I haven't done enough.  I could have read to you more...I will read as much as I possibly can in the next 11 days.  We sing to you and you kick.  You are so active!! The other day, I thought my rib was going to come out of place.  As each day passes, I get excited and nervous.  I can't wait to meet you, but I don't want to let you go.  I know God Himself will be singing and the angels will rejoice, but I'd like to have you here for a long time.  Jesus knows the outcome already.  I wish he'd fill me in a little bit.  By the way, I was asking you how much you weigh the other day.  I'm guessing you're going to be about 6 lbs. 8 oz.  I hope I'm close.  Baby boy, you're loved more than you know and I'm sorry I can't do anything to change the outcome.  I want to be in control, but everything is in God's hands.  He created you special and wonderfully.  You are in His hands now, as He continues forming you and adding those last little touches.  He has numbered your days and knows the hairs on that beautiful little head of yours.  I love you so much son.  Sweet dreams.

My New Friend

I recently met another mommy whose baby girl had anencephaly.  She came over to my house a few weeks ago and we talked for hours.  The most interesting thing about how we met is that two different people connected me with her.  One of the people I teach with, and the other I randomly talked to a fabric store.  One of the teachers I teach with told me about a young lady whom she believed had a baby two years ago with anencephaly.  I was shocked to find out that there may be someone I could talk to.  She gave me the girl's letter and phone number about a month before Christmas, but I didn't call. I wasn't sure what to say and was just busy with the holidays.  I continued to think about talking to her and finding out how she went through her journey.

Christmas time came and my sister in law and I were at Hancock's.  We were looking for fabric for Ellie, Noah, and Grayson's appliques.  I wanted to find the perfect fabric for the outfits that they would wear to welcome Grayson.  We were talking about how to do appliques and a lady started explaining to us how easy it was.  She talked about her business and her grandchildren.  She reassured us that it wouldn't be too hard.  I walked off for a few minutes to continue looking at different fabrics.  When I returned, the lady had tears in her eyes. I figured that Candy must have told her about Grayson.  No quicker than I could say something about him, she said that she couldn't believe it.  She knew someone whose baby had anencephaly.  Wow, I could talk to two women about their journeys through anencephaly.  As we talked, she told us that she knew it must be God that we met.  She actually started a line of dresses to remember the baby.  I was so excited.  She said that I should really meet this young lady, and we exchanged numbers.

I couldn't wait to talk to both of these women.  Two days later, Mary called me and emailed me.  After reading her email, I got the chills.  She informed me that in two months time, two different women had passed along her information to women who were having babies with anencephaly.  Little did she know that I was the same person whom both of these women gave the information to.  We talked for a while after I called her and planned to meet the following Saturday.  I felt so relieved to know that I could have someone to talk to and bond with that had been through the very same thing.  The reason this was so special was because 98% of women who find out they're having a baby with anencephaly terminate their pregnancy.  This means that there aren't alot of people to talk to, especially in the same city.

I am sure that Mary and I will have a friendship that lasts for years to come.  She has already offered so much support about everything.  We looked at pictures of her little girl and talked about both of our angels.  God has blessed her so much and helped her.  I know He is going to do the same for me because He has promised me this because I am his child.

Bedrest

A week ago I went to the hospital because of contractions and lower back cramping and pain.  We arrived at the hospital and my nerves started to get the best of me.  I was lying in the hospital bed hoping I wasn't in actual labor because I knew Grayson needed more time to grow and develop.  I also wasn't ready to have him.  I got scared and anxious so quickly as I looked at the little plastic baby bed that I've seen 2 times before.  I couldn't help but think that Grayson might not get to lay in that little bed very long.  I know that Patrick and I will hold him every second, but I'd love to lay next to him like I did with Ellie and Noah.  I remember watching them move around in that little plastic bed.  They would make those little gurgle noises and Patrick and I would just stare in amazement.  God only knows what lies ahead for us.  Maybe we will have the opportunity to watch him move around and make those little gurgle noises.

After hours of monitoring the contractions and making sure there were no other complications, the nurse gave me a shot to stop the contractions.  I was relieved that I would be able to go home and enjoy more time with my little boy.  Patrick and I were both relieved because we knew and I know that God knew it wasn't time.

I rested for the next few days and continued to experience the back pain and mild contractions.  Heating pads and warm baths are wonderful, but sometimes they don't help.  I started feeling somewhat better and returned to work.  As I went to school each day, I continued having the lower back cramps and contractions.  I attempted to finish out the whole week but didn't return today.  I went to my doctor's appointment and we discussed alot of stuff.  The doctor put me on bedrest until the delivery.  We talked about when and what would be best.  My specialist advised that 37 weeks would be a good time.  Because of Grayson's condition, it wouldn't matter whether I have him at 37 or 40 weeks.

Our plan is to have him around Feb. 22, 2012.  My doctor is on call that day and that puts around 38 weeks.  Patrick and I are nervous about the whole thing. We're scared because we've never had to face death with someone so close, our son.  It's not going to be easy, but it will be the closest we get to Heaven until Jesus calls us home.  I know that Patrick is going to hold me and be so strong during all of this.  He has reassured me that everything is going to be okay.  He had reminded me that God is going to take care of us.  Please pray for us in the days ahead and as we plan and get ready for this day.

Christmas Memories

The weeks have gone by too fast.  They've gone by so fast that I didn't realize that I hadn't written anything for the New Year or Christmas.

Christmas Eve, we spent time with Patrick's family and it was wonderful.  I had a bittersweet feeling inside of me because I knew that this would be Grayson's first and last Christmas.  I wanted so badly to make everything extra special for Him.  I thought he should be the focus and that we should make sure we did the same for him as if he were crawling around on the carpet.  At midnight, my mom, my brother Tye and I went to Walgreens to pick out a few things for his stocking.  As I tried to decide what would be really special, I got somewhat frustrated.  We found a box of 3 pairs of little booties, a miniature moose pillow pet, and of course a stocking with a little snowman in it.  I was somewhat excited but disappointed at the same time.

The next day morning we woke up and Ellie and Noah were super excited to see what Santa brought.  We all ran downstairs with cell phones in our hands trying to capture the joy of Christmas.  Patrick's parents came over and we had a great time opening presents and watching them ride their bike and little four wheeler.  Even though it was so wonderful to see them so thrilled about their toys, I couldn't help but think that Grayson wouldn't be apart of it next year.  I looked frequently at the little stocking on the tree that had a little gold G on it.  This time next year,  he would be crawling around and pulling up on the couch, but without a miracle I wouldn't get to see this.  After opening presents, we got ready for church.

As I thought about Mary and the birth of Jesus, I felt like I could feel what she must have felt.  She knew that God had a special plan for her son's life but knew that she was carrying someone who would be the Savior to all mankind.  I'm not comparing myself to Mary and Grayson to Jesus by any means, because we couldn't come close, obviously.  But like Mary, I would have to give up my son for a greater purpose

On Christmas morning, I sang the song Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant at church.  I'm not quite sure how I got through it without breaking down, well Jesus was definitely holding me up.  The words to this song and the meaning of Christmas were extra special and just amazing to me this year.  They meant so much more than because I was going through something so similar.

The day after Christmas, we spent time with my mom, dad, brother Jason, my sister-in-law Candace, my sister Shannon, my other brother Tye and all of my wonderful nieces and nephews.  I only get to see them once a year, so its always exciting to hang out with them and see how much the kids have grown.  We hugged and laughed and did our annual Walmart/Starbucks run.  We usually have to buy a pregnancy test for me, but not this year!! It was special and sweet, I just wanted to freeze the moment once again.  I wanted to just hold onto anything that would keep the memory of this Christmas from slipping too far away.  God knew what was going on in my mind, and He helped me get through it.