The weeks have gone by too fast. They've gone by so fast that I didn't realize that I hadn't written anything for the New Year or Christmas.
Christmas Eve, we spent time with Patrick's family and it was wonderful. I had a bittersweet feeling inside of me because I knew that this would be Grayson's first and last Christmas. I wanted so badly to make everything extra special for Him. I thought he should be the focus and that we should make sure we did the same for him as if he were crawling around on the carpet. At midnight, my mom, my brother Tye and I went to Walgreens to pick out a few things for his stocking. As I tried to decide what would be really special, I got somewhat frustrated. We found a box of 3 pairs of little booties, a miniature moose pillow pet, and of course a stocking with a little snowman in it. I was somewhat excited but disappointed at the same time.
The next day morning we woke up and Ellie and Noah were super excited to see what Santa brought. We all ran downstairs with cell phones in our hands trying to capture the joy of Christmas. Patrick's parents came over and we had a great time opening presents and watching them ride their bike and little four wheeler. Even though it was so wonderful to see them so thrilled about their toys, I couldn't help but think that Grayson wouldn't be apart of it next year. I looked frequently at the little stocking on the tree that had a little gold G on it. This time next year, he would be crawling around and pulling up on the couch, but without a miracle I wouldn't get to see this. After opening presents, we got ready for church.
As I thought about Mary and the birth of Jesus, I felt like I could feel what she must have felt. She knew that God had a special plan for her son's life but knew that she was carrying someone who would be the Savior to all mankind. I'm not comparing myself to Mary and Grayson to Jesus by any means, because we couldn't come close, obviously. But like Mary, I would have to give up my son for a greater purpose
On Christmas morning, I sang the song Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant at church. I'm not quite sure how I got through it without breaking down, well Jesus was definitely holding me up. The words to this song and the meaning of Christmas were extra special and just amazing to me this year. They meant so much more than because I was going through something so similar.
The day after Christmas, we spent time with my mom, dad, brother Jason, my sister-in-law Candace, my sister Shannon, my other brother Tye and all of my wonderful nieces and nephews. I only get to see them once a year, so its always exciting to hang out with them and see how much the kids have grown. We hugged and laughed and did our annual Walmart/Starbucks run. We usually have to buy a pregnancy test for me, but not this year!! It was special and sweet, I just wanted to freeze the moment once again. I wanted to just hold onto anything that would keep the memory of this Christmas from slipping too far away. God knew what was going on in my mind, and He helped me get through it.