Our Miracle is Here

Our Miracle is Here
Welcome Little Angel Grayson James Walker

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

2 Week Heavenly birthday

I can't believe it's already been two weeks since we met our little boy.  Time has gone by rather quickly.  I can say that I've experienced all different types of emotions.  Anger, frustration, sadness, joy.  This journey continues as God uses Grayson's life to bring people to Himself.  I sit in my bed and look at the tangible things that I have of him.  They are precious but nothing compared to holding him in my arms.  It's been difficult trying to grasp the fact that he was with me for 9 months, was born and lived for 8 wonderful hours, then he was gone.  I feel guilty at times because it's almost like I never had him if that makes any sense.  I know that I got to carry him in my belly and feel the closeness of him being with me everyday, but in the blink of an eye, he was gone.  I have the peace of knowing that Jesus is holding him right now until I get to Heaven, but it's still difficult.  I don't want to lose the little memories as time goes by.  I pray daily that Jesus gives him kisses for me and that he lets Grayson know how much we love him and miss him.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Grayson's Birth

On Wednesday, February 15, 2012, Patrick, Emily, and I woke up at 4:45 a.m.  I tried to take a shower but for some crazy reason the water wouldn't get hot.  I resorted to washing my hair in the sink.  I thought that made for an interesting start to the day.  We got dressed and Patrick loaded everything into the car.  I was tired, a little anxious, and excited for what would soon happen.  I wore a pair of polka-dotted pants and a shirt with three owls that matched Ellie, Noah, and Grayson's outfits.  The shirt said Owl always love you.  We took a few last pictures of my pregnant belly.  One really important one was of Ellie and Noah's handprints.  Emily painted a canvas that matched our little outfits that said, "These are the hands that hold our hearts together."  I had more peace than I could have imagined. 

We pulled out of the driveway around 6:15 a.m. and made Patrick's daily stop for his diet coke.  He offered to get me something forgetting that I couldn't eat or drink anything.  I've always hated that part about c-sections, nothing to eat or drink or gum or anything after midnight:)  We were on our way to Methodist Germantown Hospital.   Emily put some music on and I closed my eyes and worshipped Jesus.  As we drove down the highway, the sun was rising right in front of us.  It was perfect and special.  God was opening up the sky and showing us His beauty.   I prayed for peace and comfort and anything else that He knew I would need.  I'm always anxious about surgery and hospitals, but God knew. 

We arrived to meet another one of my best friends Christina and Kelly, our friend and pastor.  I checked in at 7:25 and they took me back to my room.  I knew the drill from there.  We met all of our nurses and one of them would become a friend we'll never forget, Rachel.  I put on my gown and waited for everyone to come in.  I continued to feel the most peace I think I've ever had in my life.  My family arrived and we visited for a few minutes.  At 8:45, our photographer, Crystal Brisco arrived and we discussed a few things.  Our family came back in and we took some pictures before being wheeled back to the operating room.

At 9:30 a.m, they took me to the delivery room.  For 5 months we had been anticipating this day, and it was finally here.  The moment we had been waiting for was just minutes away.  They did all the preparations for surgery and I was just lying there.  Patrick came in and I held his hand.  After some tugging and pulling, Grayson James Walker was here.  I heard him cry and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard.  I cried and couldn't wait to see him.  They brought him around to me, and he was perfect.  We cried and held him tightly.  God was in the room, I know the angels were dancing and I felt like dancing.

They took us to the recovery room and we just stared at him and kissed him over and over.  I wanted to hold onto this moment forever.  After a little while, they brought Ellie and Noah in.  They were excited to meet their precious little brother.  For months, they had been talking to him and putting their little hands and heads on my belly.  Now he was here.  They held him and kissed him. My parents and Patrick's parents came in along with our brothers and sisters.  It was emotional for everyone because we weren't sure how long we'd have.  I felt like God was going to give me a long time.  I dressed him in his little brother outfit and Crystal took a ton of pictures with Patrick, Ellie, and Noah.  She captured so many wonderful moments that will never be forgotten.  She also got pictures with all of the grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and close friends.  I felt blessed to have him in my arms making noises and just looking at me with that little eye.  His right eye opened a little bit, but because of his skull not being completely developed his left eye stayed open. I'm not sure that Grayson could see us but I know he felt mommy's love and the love of his family.

The hours went by and Patrick and I tried to do all of the things we'd normally do.  We gave him a bath, changed a wet diaper, and continued loving on him. Our wonderful nurse Rachel helped me try to do everything that I wanted.  I tried to nurse him, but he couldn't quite get the sucking down.  I wasn't sure if he was getting anything, but when I pulled him off my breast, he cried.  Medicine says that babies with anencephaly can't see or feel or anything else for that matter.  I find that hard to believe.  He wanted to be right next to mommy's heart.  Rachel and a few of the other nurses made molds of his hands and feet. They also made a Christmas tree ornament with footprints and handprints.  The lady from Paint a Piece arrived to get his fingerprint in silver clay.

Patrick and I knew that his breathing and heart rate was slowly dropping.  He was having trouble breathing.  We knew that it was a matter of time.  After hours of crying, smiling, and holding our precious little angel we were exhausted.  Patrick crawled into the hospital bed with me and we held our little boy.  No one was in the room but us.  We would drift off to sleep and then wake suddenly.  Grayson's nurse would come in and check his breathing every so often.  Grayson continued blowing bubbles and holding on.  Patrick and I tried so hard to stay awake, but it was like God was purposely making us fall asleep so we wouldn't have to watch him in any distress.  At one point he was having difficulty and we just cried out to God and asked Him to take him.  We cried and prayed and asked Jesus to not allow him to suffer.  We prayed he would take him home.  We couldn't bare him being in any pain or having a hard time.  We fell asleep again and awoke to three or four nurses standing around us.  Our eyes opened and he took his last breath.  The nurse looked at us and said he was gone.

At 10:00 a..m., Grayson James Walker entered into our world knowing the love of his mommy and daddy.  At 5:57 p.m, he entered into the arms of Jesus knowing the love of his mommy, daddy, and Heavenly father.

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Fear is setting in

Today was a pretty good day.  We had Lexi's Minnie Mouse birthday party and it was really sweet.  Ellie and Noah had a good time.  They both love Mickey Mouse.  Anyways, we had fun and ate cupcakes.  I can't help but feel guilty right now.  My sweet little children Ellie and Noah seem to be having a hard time with everything.  I feel like I can't be there like I need to right now.  My emotions are everywhere and the hardest part hasn't even happened yet.  Ellie tells me not to cry and that everything is going to be okay.  I know she doesn't quite understand what is going to happen and it breaks my heart.  She kisses Grayson, my belly, all the time and tells him how much she loves him.  Noah is still little and I'm sure he can sense some type of confusion and chaos.  He just isn't old enough to understand that he won't get to grow up with his little brother.  Ellie would be such a good big sister to Grayson because she is almost 4 and absolutely loves babies!! She's been changing Noah's diapers since she was 2 and a half.:) We talk about Heaven alot and have explained to her and Noah that Grayson is special and that God will take him to Heaven.  She asks if we can fly a plane to get there, lol.  The whole death thing is hard enough for us to comprehend, much less a 4 year old.  She is very concerned about Jesus and Grayson.  She made up a song that she sings about sweet Grayson going to Heaven.  Noah loves on his brother too.  My hope is that they are able to have the best memories with their little brother.  Of course I'm nervous and anxious right now, but its got to get better.  I just don't like not knowing anything.  I don't know how long we'll have, or what state he'll be in.  I just want time. I just want to remember everything about him.  I don't want to forget his smell or any wrinkle on his body.  I want to treasure it.  My prayer is that God continues sustaining us and our sweet children for the days and weeks ahead.  I pray that He gives Ellie and Noah everything that they need when we can't.  I'm so worried about not being the mom I need to be for them when this all happens.  God will protect them and give them so much grace and love.  I tell them every night that the angels watch over them and that Jesus is always with them.

Dear Grayson,
Time is going by so quickly now.  I remember when we found out 5 months ago.  It seemed like such a long time, but its gone by too fast.  I've tried to think of ways to make memories that we can hold onto with you.  Of course, I feel as though I haven't done enough.  I could have read to you more...I will read as much as I possibly can in the next 11 days.  We sing to you and you kick.  You are so active!! The other day, I thought my rib was going to come out of place.  As each day passes, I get excited and nervous.  I can't wait to meet you, but I don't want to let you go.  I know God Himself will be singing and the angels will rejoice, but I'd like to have you here for a long time.  Jesus knows the outcome already.  I wish he'd fill me in a little bit.  By the way, I was asking you how much you weigh the other day.  I'm guessing you're going to be about 6 lbs. 8 oz.  I hope I'm close.  Baby boy, you're loved more than you know and I'm sorry I can't do anything to change the outcome.  I want to be in control, but everything is in God's hands.  He created you special and wonderfully.  You are in His hands now, as He continues forming you and adding those last little touches.  He has numbered your days and knows the hairs on that beautiful little head of yours.  I love you so much son.  Sweet dreams.