Fear is setting in

Today was a pretty good day.  We had Lexi's Minnie Mouse birthday party and it was really sweet.  Ellie and Noah had a good time.  They both love Mickey Mouse.  Anyways, we had fun and ate cupcakes.  I can't help but feel guilty right now.  My sweet little children Ellie and Noah seem to be having a hard time with everything.  I feel like I can't be there like I need to right now.  My emotions are everywhere and the hardest part hasn't even happened yet.  Ellie tells me not to cry and that everything is going to be okay.  I know she doesn't quite understand what is going to happen and it breaks my heart.  She kisses Grayson, my belly, all the time and tells him how much she loves him.  Noah is still little and I'm sure he can sense some type of confusion and chaos.  He just isn't old enough to understand that he won't get to grow up with his little brother.  Ellie would be such a good big sister to Grayson because she is almost 4 and absolutely loves babies!! She's been changing Noah's diapers since she was 2 and a half.:) We talk about Heaven alot and have explained to her and Noah that Grayson is special and that God will take him to Heaven.  She asks if we can fly a plane to get there, lol.  The whole death thing is hard enough for us to comprehend, much less a 4 year old.  She is very concerned about Jesus and Grayson.  She made up a song that she sings about sweet Grayson going to Heaven.  Noah loves on his brother too.  My hope is that they are able to have the best memories with their little brother.  Of course I'm nervous and anxious right now, but its got to get better.  I just don't like not knowing anything.  I don't know how long we'll have, or what state he'll be in.  I just want time. I just want to remember everything about him.  I don't want to forget his smell or any wrinkle on his body.  I want to treasure it.  My prayer is that God continues sustaining us and our sweet children for the days and weeks ahead.  I pray that He gives Ellie and Noah everything that they need when we can't.  I'm so worried about not being the mom I need to be for them when this all happens.  God will protect them and give them so much grace and love.  I tell them every night that the angels watch over them and that Jesus is always with them.


Dear Grayson,
Time is going by so quickly now.  I remember when we found out 5 months ago.  It seemed like such a long time, but its gone by too fast.  I've tried to think of ways to make memories that we can hold onto with you.  Of course, I feel as though I haven't done enough.  I could have read to you more...I will read as much as I possibly can in the next 11 days.  We sing to you and you kick.  You are so active!! The other day, I thought my rib was going to come out of place.  As each day passes, I get excited and nervous.  I can't wait to meet you, but I don't want to let you go.  I know God Himself will be singing and the angels will rejoice, but I'd like to have you here for a long time.  Jesus knows the outcome already.  I wish he'd fill me in a little bit.  By the way, I was asking you how much you weigh the other day.  I'm guessing you're going to be about 6 lbs. 8 oz.  I hope I'm close.  Baby boy, you're loved more than you know and I'm sorry I can't do anything to change the outcome.  I want to be in control, but everything is in God's hands.  He created you special and wonderfully.  You are in His hands now, as He continues forming you and adding those last little touches.  He has numbered your days and knows the hairs on that beautiful little head of yours.  I love you so much son.  Sweet dreams.