Time is ticking

I'm not sure what to write today.  I feel like I should be writing alot more right now.  Grayson is growing more and more each day.  He continues to kick and move around so much.  When I think about my other two pregnancies, this one doesn't really seem that much different.  To be honest, its been a pretty good one for the most part.  We bought a little stocking to hang on the tree with a G on it for Grayson.  I really wish we would get to hang up a stocking every year.  This Christmas will definitely be an emotional one because it will be the only one with my sweet Grayson James.

The doctor said he has hair and I really hope its blonde like mine.  I think he has my eyes.  Since Ellie and Noah look just like Patrick, I'd really like to have one of our three look like me:)  Time isn't moving any slower.  Right now, I'm 29 weeks!! It's gone by so fast and I wish I would have written more.

Grayson, mommy loves you so much!!! So many people ask about you and pray for you:)  You are so special and perfect.  Every kick reminds me that you are so alive and here.  This is what I hold onto to keep me from getting depressed.  Grayson, you have a purpose in this life that I might not ever know til I get to heaven, but I know its something wonderful.  You are an angel.  Ellie wants to bring you home and she also said that she would like to go to Heaven.  I told her she could one day but not right now.  She said she wants to be with you.  I reminded her that you are still with mommy, kicking and moving.

We went to see Logan at the hospital tonight.  His back surgery went extremely well.  His "zipper" is working just fine:)  He is so sweet and such a strong little boy...He's been through two major surgeries and he's only 6.  He loves you so much and wants you to stay strong.  You are gonna be my fighter.  By the way, I talked to a neuro doctor at Leboneur tonight and she said they have many anecephalic babies that live for days, weeks, and even months.  This gives me hope.  Keep fighting buddy.  Be strong and know you are loved Grayson.

I love you sweet angel, mommy is touching you right now.  Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite.  If they do, him em with a shoe, til they turn black and blue.

Love,
Mommy

Blessings

God takes us through things that seem impossible.  When we're going through something that we've never faced, of course we wonder why.  We wonder why now, why me, why?  Patrick and I are going through something that we never thought we'd have to face.  We've seen people go through the loss of a child but never experienced it and never thought we would.

Patrick was supposed to start seminary, I was starting a new job at a new school, and we found out that we were pregnant.  So many new changes were happening all at once.  Not long after Patrick made the decision to start school, he lost his job.  What are we going to do?  Patrick was enrolled to start seminary and now didn't have job.  We were also expecting a baby.  Lord, we are being obedient and doing what we believe you've called us to do.  Four days before Patrick was supposed to start seminary, we realized that we couldn't afford his school because my insurance payments were so expensive.

At that point, we were discouraged and wondered if we were making the right decision.  Should he have gone to school anyways, not knowing where the money was going to come from?  One month later,  we received the news that would change our lives forever.  Our son, Grayson, would be born with anencephaly, fatal neural tube defect.  As everything seemed to be spiraling in a downward motion, we questioned what God was doing.  Patrick had just found a new job a little over a month before we found out about Grayson.   Why now?   Why this season?  We were being obedient and wanted God's will for our life.  Now, it was no seminary, difficult time at new school, and a baby that won't survive very long after birth....

How could so many beautiful, wonderful changes be turned upside down in an instant?  At this point, we felt scared.  Lord, were we not obedient through Patrick not going to seminary even though the funds weren't there.  Did we do something wrong to deserve a baby that had no chance of survival?  We love children and wanted to have this baby for a long time...God why us?  Can't you change your mind?  Grayson is our precious little boy and we want to raise him to know you and serve you.  All of these things continued to weigh on our minds.

As the months have gone by,  God has revealed some things.  We were chosen for this special season with this special little boy..Grayson James Walker.  Even though this journey hasn't been easy, we know that God still has a plan.  He continues using people to love on us and bless us everyday.  There is so much more I could say, but all I know is that God is working.

These lyrics come from a really special song that I sang at church about Blessings.  The irony of this is that I sang not very long before this all happened.

"Blessings"  by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe


'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are Your mercies in disguise

Sacrifices

Two days ago Patrick and I decided that we should move out of our house due to the financial burden it is putting on us right now.  I've been tired of wondering from week to week if we will be able to stay in the house or pay for our cars because of financial issues.  His job wouldn't allow him to come back to work and as a result our finances were suffering.  I became bitter and frustrated.  I was angry with him but knew some things could be done to relieve the stress.  Moving out of the house would help our family during this time as my parents would let us stay there.  I didn't want to think about moving out of our house because I love having privacy and just some place to call my home.  Since I just put up the Christmas tree, and Patrick put up Ellie and Noah's Mickey Mouse lights, the thought of moving was something I wanted to avoid.  We talked to my parents and they said that they would love to have us stay with them.  With the things we will be facing soon, this choice started to seem perfect.  While I would love to be in my house at Christmas and have some type of stability, maybe this would be best.  Mom and I took off from work and started packing.  We packed the kid's rooms and accomplished quite a bit.  I felt relieved but sad at the same time.  In the moments that I was angry and wondered why I was going through this on top of everything else, God spoke.  He reminded me that this home is not "my" home.  After making the sacrifice to give up our house to restore peace with our family, God spoke again.  Heather, "There will be other homes."  I might have to give up my comfort and privacy right now but there will come a time when I may have it again.

The next day, Patrick was talking to our landlord and we found out that they wanted to work with us.  They said that they really wanted us to stay because they knew we were going through alot.  God worked out that situation because I definitely didn't want to move out 3 weeks before Christmas, but was going to do whatever needed to be done.  God is good.  He has proven Himself so faithful.

Thankfulness

As I started off the week, I thought about the upcoming holiday, Thanksgiving.  My students and I discussed what we were thankful for.  Many of them said that they were thankful for their families, food, clothes, and of course shelter.  A few added their video games and other material things, they are kids.  As we went around the room sharing, I knew that I would eventually have to share.  This year is different.  Circumstances are difficult, family means so much more, and my perspective on my children is so much different.  God has given me both children of my own and children that seem like my own.  I am responsible and accountable for all of these little lives.  For my precious babies Ellie, Noah, and Grayson, I am to be an example as a Christian mother leading them and teaching them values and lessons about life.  For my students, I am entrusted to teach them the values and lessons that will help them become successful adults.

It was finally my turn to discuss what I was thankful for.  "Mrs. Walker", they all said, "it's your turn." What are you thankful for? Well, I am very thankful for God giving me such precious children and a husband who loves me so much.  I am so thankful for life.  I shared how I was thankful that I was getting to spend any time with Grayson.  I didn't start crying though I was very emotional.  I also shared that I was thankful for each of my students and that I loved each one of them very much.  

Even though I am carrying a child that I might not get to nurture and teach for years to come, I have been give time.  I also have Ellie, Noah, and my 11 students to nurture and love.  I pray I have years and years to pour into them:)

Thanksgiving day, Patrick, Ellie, Noah, my parents, in-laws, sister, niece, and nephew and two other family friends enjoyed a feast at our house.  We had a great time eating and talking.  The kids ran around and played, while we sat around the table and did the adult thing.  It was very important for me to have a video of this Thanksgiving for several reasons.  Mainly, I wanted to remember this time with Grayson and have something tangible to hold onto for years to come.  I wanted to freeze the moment so I could just hold him.

We shared what we were thankful for, and again everyone talked about family.  We definitely were thankful for the Lord blessing us and taking care of us!  As I shared with my family, the feeling hit me.  I would not be holding Grayson next year.  I am holding him now, but this will be his first and last Thanksgiving.  All of us were teary-eyed and emotional.

My mom, sister, and I decided we would go black Friday shopping, something I haven't done since I was 14.  Now, I remember why its been so long:)   Again, I wanted Grayson to be able to take part in the madness of what is known as black Friday.  We left around 7:00 and arrived back home around 5:00 in the morning.  I think Grayson was confused as to what was going on because I normally try to go to bed around 9:00.  We had a great time and created memories that I will never forget.

To my sweet boy,

Grayson, I love you.  I am enjoying the holidays and all of the excitement that comes with it, but each day that passes means that its one day closer to what I fear.  I look forward to welcoming you into this world.  I can't wait to meet you, but I don't want to let you go.  I don't want these days to pass to quickly because time is something I won't ever get back.  I want everything to stand still but I know that's not possible.  You are loved and believe that you know that.  You are a precious, special, perfect little gift from above.  Only God Himself, could have created such a perfect little boy for us.

Joy Comes in the Morning

I've known that sorrow can't last forever, but when you're going through something that seems so difficult, the joy seems far away.  God I praise you so much for the joy I have right now.  You have come through like you always do.  Just when I think I can take anymore and I'm at the end of my rope, You show yourself faithful.  It's not that I don't know you will come through every time, its just remembering that even in the darkest, hardest times, You haven't forgot about me.  In fact, I try to remind myself that you are crying with me, hurting with me, laughing with me, and just with me!!! That, in itself, makes this time seem bearable.  You Lord are holy and mighty.  Lord you have answered prayers.  I see you in everything.  I know that joy is given and sorrow is lent.  I will keep this joy and hold it tightly.  Next week may be different as far as what I'm going through, but right now, I'm thankful for this mountain.  Even though it is somewhat a valley because of what's ahead, I know that You let us experience a mountaintop to make it through.  Through the valleys and the mountains and everything in between, be glorified.  Grayson is one of three sweet children and I know that you are continually growing him and molding him into the person you want him to be.  I pray everyday over this boy Lord that you will add to him the wonderful things that make his personality so unique.  Give him the qualities that you see fit.  I speak life Lord into this child.  We ask that you take his precious little body right now and make it completely whole.  From the tip of his toes, to the top of his head, form him Jesus.  You can do this and I want you to know that I have the faith.  I want you to heal him so he can be used for a long time on this earth.  Let us train him up to be a man after your heart.  He can be used by you on this earth.  Ellie and Noah need their little brother to hold and teach and play with.  We need our son.  Lord hear our prayers.

Very Few Understand

I go to work everyday and try to do my job.  I try to live a "normal" life when nothing seems normal.  I'm not even sure what normal is anymore.  God I need you to help me through this.  I know I tell you this and you are with me.  I just want extra grace and mercy right now.  Everyone seems to keep moving on and going about their happy little lives while I think of what's ahead.  God you allow us to tell you how we feel and how we're hurting.  I already feel so inadequate as far as my jobs goes because I can't seem to do anything right.  I just want you to protect me right now.  In the shadow of your wings I want to stay for awhile.  I know I say very few understand but I know you've been here.  You were at this place 2,000 years ago when you sent your son to die for me.  Even two thousand years ago, you knew that Heather Walker would be born and come to know you and love you.  You knew that I would carry Grayson.  Lord you know the pain and hurt that goes with it. But you also know the outcome.  You are the creator and sustainer of life.  So God, I ask you to touch Grayson's body and heal him.  I know you have the power to do it. I know that in an instant he can be healed.  Let him be the miracle of anencephaly...baffle what doctors say is inevitable.  You are the healer.  You can do this.  You know you will be glorified through whatever outcome.   I really hope you have something different planned than what the doctors say but I will accept your will.  I want to be an advocate for life.  I want people to know that you are the one that gives it and takes it away.  While I continue on this roller-coaster going up and down, up and down, help me.  Enable me.  Empower me.  In order to keep teaching and going on the next few months, I need more  grace and mercy than ever.  Lord, give me the words to say, the thoughts that will give me peace, and the hope that sees through this valley.

Dear Grayson,
I'm sorry you have to feel the stress that I experience from day to day.  I do pray that Jesus is holding you and protecting you all the while.  I can't get over how active you are.  I feel like you're going to kick right out of my stomach.  I talked to you today when it was just me and you, alone.  I want you to know how beautiful your eyes are.  I think you have big eyes like me based on what the ultrasound shows.  Your nose looks just like Ellie's.  Your strong kicking legs are just like your big brother Noah's.  I enjoy holding you everyday.  I count it a blessing to feel your every movement and be connected to you in such a special way.  Son, you are loved so much and I can't tell you that enough.  Your daddy held up one of his discs to you the other day.  He told you about drivers and putters.  He is so competitive.  Hold on sweet baby and stay with me for a while.  I need you to hold. I need you for a long time.

I love you,
Mommy

Sorrow for a Season

Today was hard.  This week has been hard.  Feelings of fear and desperation come and go.  My mind thinks about so many things. I feel like I have so much to do and no energy or desire at times to get it done.  God knows that I am a busy body, always on the go, and an energetic person.  I reminded Him that today. I don't enjoy this feeling, sorrow. I am a control freak and want to have it all together. I feel like I've been trying so hard to hold it together and be strong because I am a Christian woman.  I have realized though that if I am trying to be strong and hold it together, I'm trying to do God's job.  I've asked God why and I know I won't know for a very long time if ever, but He does have some wonderful plan in store.  Is it easy to walk everyday knowing people are watching how you're going to react? No.  Is God using this precious little boy's life even as he kicks at this moment, Yes. But somehow, in the midst of all the joy and peace I've experienced, it hit me.  From what the doctors and the ultrasound say, I will not have the joy of taking my baby home from the hospital.  I will not get to go shopping for baby clothes, or pick out baby toys.  I won't get to nurse him and watch him run around with Ellie and Noah. I'm not sure why God picked Patrick and I for this but He will have to carry us every moment of every day.  I am hurting and frustrated right now.  I want to be able to all the things with Grayson that I've been able to do with the two beautiful children I already have.  While I know that I can take him places and do things with him while he's in my belly, I still yearn for the milestones.  First steps, first teeth, spitting out babyfood, cooing, first words.  Just holding this precious boy would be a miracle.  Even through the sorrow I feel right now, I know God will not forsake me and He will keep his promises.  They are promises.

A note to my sweet boy:

Dear Grayson,

Even though I haven't gotten to hold you in my arms, I hold you everyday as you kick and flip in my tummy.  Mommy and daddy love you so much!!! We look forward to the day we get to hold you in our arms, and pray daily that God gives us that.  Ellie and Noah love you dearly too.  Ellie actually said that she wanted to change your name to Olivia, but I don't know if Grayson Olivia is appropriate.  So far you've been to 3 weddings!! We took you to a scary corn maze with Christina, and Ryan.  You've been on a hayride and gone trick-r-treating, something your grandparents never let me or your daddy do!! I love you so much and I just want you to know that you are such a blessing.  You are perfect in every way.  God, Himself, has formed every part of you. Even at this moment he continues holding you and addding to you all the things that will make you Grayson James Walker.  Your little body is so sweet and you kick more and more all the time. By the looks of the ultrasouns pictures, you are take after your mommy!!  Oh,  If you don't enjoy me singing to you, you sure have fooled me because you kick so much.  Maybe you want me to stop, lol.  Mommy's going to get some rest for the both of us so I'm going to sing you the same song sing to Ellie and Noah.  They sing it to you every night.  "Night nght, Night night, Night night, all the little babies go night night.  Night night, Night night, Night night, sweet baby Grayson go Night night.

The Journey

One month has passed since we found out that our precious little boy has anencephaly.  The news hasn't gotten any easier but the strength and peace has been wonderful.  I am 21 weeks now and look forward to every moment, every kick, and every memory I get to have with our son.