Very Few Understand

I go to work everyday and try to do my job.  I try to live a "normal" life when nothing seems normal.  I'm not even sure what normal is anymore.  God I need you to help me through this.  I know I tell you this and you are with me.  I just want extra grace and mercy right now.  Everyone seems to keep moving on and going about their happy little lives while I think of what's ahead.  God you allow us to tell you how we feel and how we're hurting.  I already feel so inadequate as far as my jobs goes because I can't seem to do anything right.  I just want you to protect me right now.  In the shadow of your wings I want to stay for awhile.  I know I say very few understand but I know you've been here.  You were at this place 2,000 years ago when you sent your son to die for me.  Even two thousand years ago, you knew that Heather Walker would be born and come to know you and love you.  You knew that I would carry Grayson.  Lord you know the pain and hurt that goes with it. But you also know the outcome.  You are the creator and sustainer of life.  So God, I ask you to touch Grayson's body and heal him.  I know you have the power to do it. I know that in an instant he can be healed.  Let him be the miracle of anencephaly...baffle what doctors say is inevitable.  You are the healer.  You can do this.  You know you will be glorified through whatever outcome.   I really hope you have something different planned than what the doctors say but I will accept your will.  I want to be an advocate for life.  I want people to know that you are the one that gives it and takes it away.  While I continue on this roller-coaster going up and down, up and down, help me.  Enable me.  Empower me.  In order to keep teaching and going on the next few months, I need more  grace and mercy than ever.  Lord, give me the words to say, the thoughts that will give me peace, and the hope that sees through this valley.

Dear Grayson,
I'm sorry you have to feel the stress that I experience from day to day.  I do pray that Jesus is holding you and protecting you all the while.  I can't get over how active you are.  I feel like you're going to kick right out of my stomach.  I talked to you today when it was just me and you, alone.  I want you to know how beautiful your eyes are.  I think you have big eyes like me based on what the ultrasound shows.  Your nose looks just like Ellie's.  Your strong kicking legs are just like your big brother Noah's.  I enjoy holding you everyday.  I count it a blessing to feel your every movement and be connected to you in such a special way.  Son, you are loved so much and I can't tell you that enough.  Your daddy held up one of his discs to you the other day.  He told you about drivers and putters.  He is so competitive.  Hold on sweet baby and stay with me for a while.  I need you to hold. I need you for a long time.

I love you,
Mommy