Today was hard. This week has been hard. Feelings of fear and desperation come and go. My mind thinks about so many things. I feel like I have so much to do and no energy or desire at times to get it done. God knows that I am a busy body, always on the go, and an energetic person. I reminded Him that today. I don't enjoy this feeling, sorrow. I am a control freak and want to have it all together. I feel like I've been trying so hard to hold it together and be strong because I am a Christian woman. I have realized though that if I am trying to be strong and hold it together, I'm trying to do God's job. I've asked God why and I know I won't know for a very long time if ever, but He does have some wonderful plan in store. Is it easy to walk everyday knowing people are watching how you're going to react? No. Is God using this precious little boy's life even as he kicks at this moment, Yes. But somehow, in the midst of all the joy and peace I've experienced, it hit me. From what the doctors and the ultrasound say, I will not have the joy of taking my baby home from the hospital. I will not get to go shopping for baby clothes, or pick out baby toys. I won't get to nurse him and watch him run around with Ellie and Noah. I'm not sure why God picked Patrick and I for this but He will have to carry us every moment of every day. I am hurting and frustrated right now. I want to be able to all the things with Grayson that I've been able to do with the two beautiful children I already have. While I know that I can take him places and do things with him while he's in my belly, I still yearn for the milestones. First steps, first teeth, spitting out babyfood, cooing, first words. Just holding this precious boy would be a miracle. Even through the sorrow I feel right now, I know God will not forsake me and He will keep his promises. They are promises.
A note to my sweet boy:
Even though I haven't gotten to hold you in my arms, I hold you everyday as you kick and flip in my tummy. Mommy and daddy love you so much!!! We look forward to the day we get to hold you in our arms, and pray daily that God gives us that. Ellie and Noah love you dearly too. Ellie actually said that she wanted to change your name to Olivia, but I don't know if Grayson Olivia is appropriate. So far you've been to 3 weddings!! We took you to a scary corn maze with Christina, and Ryan. You've been on a hayride and gone trick-r-treating, something your grandparents never let me or your daddy do!! I love you so much and I just want you to know that you are such a blessing. You are perfect in every way. God, Himself, has formed every part of you. Even at this moment he continues holding you and addding to you all the things that will make you Grayson James Walker. Your little body is so sweet and you kick more and more all the time. By the looks of the ultrasouns pictures, you are take after your mommy!! Oh, If you don't enjoy me singing to you, you sure have fooled me because you kick so much. Maybe you want me to stop, lol. Mommy's going to get some rest for the both of us so I'm going to sing you the same song sing to Ellie and Noah. They sing it to you every night. "Night nght, Night night, Night night, all the little babies go night night. Night night, Night night, Night night, sweet baby Grayson go Night night.