Our Miracle is Here

Our Miracle is Here
Welcome Little Angel Grayson James Walker

Saturday, February 4, 2012

Fear is setting in

Today was a pretty good day.  We had Lexi's Minnie Mouse birthday party and it was really sweet.  Ellie and Noah had a good time.  They both love Mickey Mouse.  Anyways, we had fun and ate cupcakes.  I can't help but feel guilty right now.  My sweet little children Ellie and Noah seem to be having a hard time with everything.  I feel like I can't be there like I need to right now.  My emotions are everywhere and the hardest part hasn't even happened yet.  Ellie tells me not to cry and that everything is going to be okay.  I know she doesn't quite understand what is going to happen and it breaks my heart.  She kisses Grayson, my belly, all the time and tells him how much she loves him.  Noah is still little and I'm sure he can sense some type of confusion and chaos.  He just isn't old enough to understand that he won't get to grow up with his little brother.  Ellie would be such a good big sister to Grayson because she is almost 4 and absolutely loves babies!! She's been changing Noah's diapers since she was 2 and a half.:) We talk about Heaven alot and have explained to her and Noah that Grayson is special and that God will take him to Heaven.  She asks if we can fly a plane to get there, lol.  The whole death thing is hard enough for us to comprehend, much less a 4 year old.  She is very concerned about Jesus and Grayson.  She made up a song that she sings about sweet Grayson going to Heaven.  Noah loves on his brother too.  My hope is that they are able to have the best memories with their little brother.  Of course I'm nervous and anxious right now, but its got to get better.  I just don't like not knowing anything.  I don't know how long we'll have, or what state he'll be in.  I just want time. I just want to remember everything about him.  I don't want to forget his smell or any wrinkle on his body.  I want to treasure it.  My prayer is that God continues sustaining us and our sweet children for the days and weeks ahead.  I pray that He gives Ellie and Noah everything that they need when we can't.  I'm so worried about not being the mom I need to be for them when this all happens.  God will protect them and give them so much grace and love.  I tell them every night that the angels watch over them and that Jesus is always with them.


Dear Grayson,
Time is going by so quickly now.  I remember when we found out 5 months ago.  It seemed like such a long time, but its gone by too fast.  I've tried to think of ways to make memories that we can hold onto with you.  Of course, I feel as though I haven't done enough.  I could have read to you more...I will read as much as I possibly can in the next 11 days.  We sing to you and you kick.  You are so active!! The other day, I thought my rib was going to come out of place.  As each day passes, I get excited and nervous.  I can't wait to meet you, but I don't want to let you go.  I know God Himself will be singing and the angels will rejoice, but I'd like to have you here for a long time.  Jesus knows the outcome already.  I wish he'd fill me in a little bit.  By the way, I was asking you how much you weigh the other day.  I'm guessing you're going to be about 6 lbs. 8 oz.  I hope I'm close.  Baby boy, you're loved more than you know and I'm sorry I can't do anything to change the outcome.  I want to be in control, but everything is in God's hands.  He created you special and wonderfully.  You are in His hands now, as He continues forming you and adding those last little touches.  He has numbered your days and knows the hairs on that beautiful little head of yours.  I love you so much son.  Sweet dreams.

13 comments:

  1. It is crazy, but I think that our anencephaly babies move so much more during pregnancy. Amiee did. She was always moving. It is like they kick us to say "hey, mom ... I'm here."
    You will be everything that you need to be for Ellie and Noah after Grayson is born. God will give you that grace too.
    Love you and praying for you. I am excited and nervous right along with you and I cannot wait to meet Grayson. He is such a Blessing!

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  2. A friend of mine found your blog and shared it with me. I have a dear friend who went through this very journey back in 2008. I cannot imagine the roller coaster of emotions but I know she has the strongest will of anyone I know. It doesn't appear that you've had your baby yet, but before you do, I highly recommend contacting NILMDTS (Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep) if you are interested in phenomenal, tasteful, family photos. They are a volunteer organization and have worked wonders with families. May God be with y'all.

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  3. A friend of mine shared your blog with me. I have been crying ever since I read the first entry. I am so terribly sorry that this is happening to your sweet little family. but like you said, God knows everything! And he loves you all and little Grayson more than anyone can even comprehend. I will be praying for you and your family. God will give you the strength you need!

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  4. Heather,
      My name is Leah and I saw your blog shared by a friend on Facebook, don't even remember who the friend was and I NEVR read blogs but for some reason I opened yours. I am truly touched by you, your family and your circumstances. I am broken for you as a mother, I can't imagine how you are feeling but I am praying and interceding on your behalf right now. I asked God the why questions I know you have asked. I asked why you and your family and immediately felt he gave you this child because he knew you were strong enough to handle it, even in your weakest moments you have strength through him. I read all your posts and hear such a strong woman rooted in Christ, I know you are going to be able to go through this...whatever "this" looks like. And I pray for divine appointments that from here on out God would send you people with prayer, words of encouragement or a simple smile at the moments you need it the most. I also was praying for a miracle, a miracle of LIFE...life beyond what the doctors have given...but then God quickly told me...if only for a few short hours or God-willing the gift of longer, Grayson IS a miracle. And I pray God continues to reveal that to you and Patrick in all the small things. Know I will be lifting you up in prayer, especially as February 22 nears..and when I have access to Internet I'll be checking your blog for updates!!! (I'm currently a missionary, traveling around the world...11 countries 11 months so Internet is few and far between). Know prayers are going up on your behalf from Malaysia right now. 

    I feel God gave me this verse for you "Then maidens will dance and be glad, young men and old as well. I will turn their mourning into gladness; I will give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow." Jeremiah 31:13

    And this is a song I always listen to when I question my situation or am struggling, never like you are but hope it encourages you. "Worth It All" by Rita Springer

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  5. Bless your entire family for being the very best family for Grayson to be born into. My husband had a sister born with anencephaly 30+ years ago, and she was also much loved, and is much missed. Grayson was a blessing <3

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  6. Thank you for sharing the pictures of your precious child. I believe all life has purpose - even short lives like Grayson's. From your pictures and words another picture emerges of a loving family that embraced Grayson without reservation, accepting his difference and his fate without allowing it to dim the light of your love for him. In those 8 short hours you gave Grayson a lifetime of love. I admire your courage, intelligence, compassion and love.

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  7. Thank you for sharing your family's story and Grayson's life with us. It has been a gift to me and I'm sure to many. The demonstration of faith & God's love in your lives is so touching, and as a mother I couldn't imagine doing it any other way. Yet I probably wouldn't have. God picked your family to have Grayson, and to love him with all that he gave you...and you do! Even better, you've glorified God, created awareness, and made the world a little better place in the process. Thank you Grayson!

    The prayer you wrote for Ellie & Noah is perfect for any mom, especially a single mom of a special needs child. I cant tell you how many prayers have carried the same tune, but your words said it perfectly. For God to give them everything that we can't, to protect them and give them grace and love. For Jesus and the angels to be with them. Thank you again for sharing your angel, Grayson, with the rest of us.

    God bless you & your family!

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  8. Ustedes nos han enseñado el verdadero sentido de la vida!!!!, que se puede resumir en una sola palabra AMOR, muchas gracias por compartir con nosotros esta experiencia tan maravillosa, gracias por el privilegio de conocer a Grayson. Ustedes hoy han cambiado totalmente mi forma de ver la vida, me enseñaron también lo que significa la palabra RESPETO!!!, muchas bendiciones para toda su familia. Gracias

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  10. Im definitely touched by your story, cant stop watching the video and crying, you are so brave. As a single mother from Peru Im thankful for all I have and I will. God bless You, your husband and your beautiful kids. Im just jealous of your Angel! Grayson Rest in Peace, you have a piece of my heart.

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  11. Thank-you for sharing your family and especially Greyson. He is lovely and his story has made a difference in my life.

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  13. My husband and I found out on March 27, 2012 that our son had anencephaly as well. Jacob would have been our first child, so this was extremely hard on us. I admire your family for your strength through this difficult time. I know it isn't easy, but I always tell myself that our little Jacob was too precious and God did not want to let him go.

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