I'm not sure what to write today. I feel like I should be writing alot more right now. Grayson is growing more and more each day. He continues to kick and move around so much. When I think about my other two pregnancies, this one doesn't really seem that much different. To be honest, its been a pretty good one for the most part. We bought a little stocking to hang on the tree with a G on it for Grayson. I really wish we would get to hang up a stocking every year. This Christmas will definitely be an emotional one because it will be the only one with my sweet Grayson James.
The doctor said he has hair and I really hope its blonde like mine. I think he has my eyes. Since Ellie and Noah look just like Patrick, I'd really like to have one of our three look like me:) Time isn't moving any slower. Right now, I'm 29 weeks!! It's gone by so fast and I wish I would have written more.
Grayson, mommy loves you so much!!! So many people ask about you and pray for you:) You are so special and perfect. Every kick reminds me that you are so alive and here. This is what I hold onto to keep me from getting depressed. Grayson, you have a purpose in this life that I might not ever know til I get to heaven, but I know its something wonderful. You are an angel. Ellie wants to bring you home and she also said that she would like to go to Heaven. I told her she could one day but not right now. She said she wants to be with you. I reminded her that you are still with mommy, kicking and moving.
We went to see Logan at the hospital tonight. His back surgery went extremely well. His "zipper" is working just fine:) He is so sweet and such a strong little boy...He's been through two major surgeries and he's only 6. He loves you so much and wants you to stay strong. You are gonna be my fighter. By the way, I talked to a neuro doctor at Leboneur tonight and she said they have many anecephalic babies that live for days, weeks, and even months. This gives me hope. Keep fighting buddy. Be strong and know you are loved Grayson.
I love you sweet angel, mommy is touching you right now. Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. If they do, him em with a shoe, til they turn black and blue.
Love,
Mommy
Our Miracle is Here
Welcome Little Angel Grayson James Walker
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Monday, December 12, 2011
Blessings
God takes us through things that seem impossible. When we're going through something that we've never faced, of course we wonder why. We wonder why now, why me, why? Patrick and I are going through something that we never thought we'd have to face. We've seen people go through the loss of a child but never experienced it and never thought we would.
Patrick was supposed to start seminary, I was starting a new job at a new school, and we found out that we were pregnant. So many new changes were happening all at once. Not long after Patrick made the decision to start school, he lost his job. What are we going to do? Patrick was enrolled to start seminary and now didn't have job. We were also expecting a baby. Lord, we are being obedient and doing what we believe you've called us to do. Four days before Patrick was supposed to start seminary, we realized that we couldn't afford his school because my insurance payments were so expensive.
At that point, we were discouraged and wondered if we were making the right decision. Should he have gone to school anyways, not knowing where the money was going to come from? One month later, we received the news that would change our lives forever. Our son, Grayson, would be born with anencephaly, fatal neural tube defect. As everything seemed to be spiraling in a downward motion, we questioned what God was doing. Patrick had just found a new job a little over a month before we found out about Grayson. Why now? Why this season? We were being obedient and wanted God's will for our life. Now, it was no seminary, difficult time at new school, and a baby that won't survive very long after birth....
How could so many beautiful, wonderful changes be turned upside down in an instant? At this point, we felt scared. Lord, were we not obedient through Patrick not going to seminary even though the funds weren't there. Did we do something wrong to deserve a baby that had no chance of survival? We love children and wanted to have this baby for a long time...God why us? Can't you change your mind? Grayson is our precious little boy and we want to raise him to know you and serve you. All of these things continued to weigh on our minds.
As the months have gone by, God has revealed some things. We were chosen for this special season with this special little boy..Grayson James Walker. Even though this journey hasn't been easy, we know that God still has a plan. He continues using people to love on us and bless us everyday. There is so much more I could say, but all I know is that God is working.
These lyrics come from a really special song that I sang at church about Blessings. The irony of this is that I sang not very long before this all happened.
"Blessings" by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are Your mercies in disguise
Patrick was supposed to start seminary, I was starting a new job at a new school, and we found out that we were pregnant. So many new changes were happening all at once. Not long after Patrick made the decision to start school, he lost his job. What are we going to do? Patrick was enrolled to start seminary and now didn't have job. We were also expecting a baby. Lord, we are being obedient and doing what we believe you've called us to do. Four days before Patrick was supposed to start seminary, we realized that we couldn't afford his school because my insurance payments were so expensive.
At that point, we were discouraged and wondered if we were making the right decision. Should he have gone to school anyways, not knowing where the money was going to come from? One month later, we received the news that would change our lives forever. Our son, Grayson, would be born with anencephaly, fatal neural tube defect. As everything seemed to be spiraling in a downward motion, we questioned what God was doing. Patrick had just found a new job a little over a month before we found out about Grayson. Why now? Why this season? We were being obedient and wanted God's will for our life. Now, it was no seminary, difficult time at new school, and a baby that won't survive very long after birth....
How could so many beautiful, wonderful changes be turned upside down in an instant? At this point, we felt scared. Lord, were we not obedient through Patrick not going to seminary even though the funds weren't there. Did we do something wrong to deserve a baby that had no chance of survival? We love children and wanted to have this baby for a long time...God why us? Can't you change your mind? Grayson is our precious little boy and we want to raise him to know you and serve you. All of these things continued to weigh on our minds.
As the months have gone by, God has revealed some things. We were chosen for this special season with this special little boy..Grayson James Walker. Even though this journey hasn't been easy, we know that God still has a plan. He continues using people to love on us and bless us everyday. There is so much more I could say, but all I know is that God is working.
These lyrics come from a really special song that I sang at church about Blessings. The irony of this is that I sang not very long before this all happened.
"Blessings" by Laura Story
We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home
'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights Are Your mercies in disguise
Monday, December 5, 2011
Sacrifices
Two days ago Patrick and I decided that we should move out of our house due to the financial burden it is putting on us right now. I've been tired of wondering from week to week if we will be able to stay in the house or pay for our cars because of financial issues. His job wouldn't allow him to come back to work and as a result our finances were suffering. I became bitter and frustrated. I was angry with him but knew some things could be done to relieve the stress. Moving out of the house would help our family during this time as my parents would let us stay there. I didn't want to think about moving out of our house because I love having privacy and just some place to call my home. Since I just put up the Christmas tree, and Patrick put up Ellie and Noah's Mickey Mouse lights, the thought of moving was something I wanted to avoid. We talked to my parents and they said that they would love to have us stay with them. With the things we will be facing soon, this choice started to seem perfect. While I would love to be in my house at Christmas and have some type of stability, maybe this would be best. Mom and I took off from work and started packing. We packed the kid's rooms and accomplished quite a bit. I felt relieved but sad at the same time. In the moments that I was angry and wondered why I was going through this on top of everything else, God spoke. He reminded me that this home is not "my" home. After making the sacrifice to give up our house to restore peace with our family, God spoke again. Heather, "There will be other homes." I might have to give up my comfort and privacy right now but there will come a time when I may have it again.
The next day, Patrick was talking to our landlord and we found out that they wanted to work with us. They said that they really wanted us to stay because they knew we were going through alot. God worked out that situation because I definitely didn't want to move out 3 weeks before Christmas, but was going to do whatever needed to be done. God is good. He has proven Himself so faithful.
The next day, Patrick was talking to our landlord and we found out that they wanted to work with us. They said that they really wanted us to stay because they knew we were going through alot. God worked out that situation because I definitely didn't want to move out 3 weeks before Christmas, but was going to do whatever needed to be done. God is good. He has proven Himself so faithful.
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