Much needed Apology

Just a few days ago,  I posted a picture of my precious baby boy without his hat on.  Some wonder why it took me so long to post it.  Here is my answer: I was tired of trying to hide my son, the way he was, just to make others feel comfortable.  I felt like people would be scared or offended because his head didn't look like other babies.  A sudden impulse, in my grieving process, told me to be proud and not worried about the thoughts of others.  So, with one click, the photo of Grayson was posted.

The next morning after posting his picture, I had a huge box on my screen that said the "content" had been deleted.  Already feeling down and defeated, I became furious.  What "content" were they referring to? My son, Grayson James Walker, was considered to be something bad enough to delete!! I was offended, hurt beyond measure, and just angry.  I told Patrick about it and immediately posted a comment about my frustration.

At that moment, I had no idea what was about to happen.  I was just voicing my frustration, but it erupted into something so much bigger.!! I'm so glad it did.  Why? I was able to share the most precious gift of life with thousands upon thousands of people who would have never known him otherwise.  What satan meant for evil, God meant for so much good.  A baby boy, imperfect in the world's eyes, touched the lives of people all over the globe.   For this mistake on facebook's behalf, I've been able to share what God had intended in the first place.  This avenue, through media and such has raised awareness to anencephaly and quite simply the importance of choosing life.  For life is precious, and God's most precious gift.

After being interviewed by local news and our story and frustration being shared across the globe, I wondered if facebook would apologize.  That's all I wanted, an apology.  I didn't want to sue them, I just wanted them to allow me to do what I feel my right is...to share my baby boy with everyone else.

So today, after reading email after email, I saw it...an email from facebook. The email was an apology about removing his photo.   It made mine and Patrick's day and took the burden of offense off our shoulders.  That was never our intention in the first place.

Forget me Not

Today marks three months and one days since we said hello and goodbye to Grayson.. You'd think it'd get easier with time, but I would disagree, or right now anyways.  I miss him more than ever.  I see all the pictures of other friends babies and wonder what he would look like.  There is a place in my heart that is missing.  I don't want Grayson to be forgotten. I want his life to always be remembered.  He was a servant, God's little servant.  He was in my arms briefly and I just wish I could go back to that day.  I wish I could remember ever detail. As I was watching Private Practice last night, I was taken back to that day for a moment.  Amelia, one of the doctors, had a baby with anencephaly.  As she voiced what she was feeling that day, I too can relate.  I remember lying in the hospital bed wondering if he was going to be alive or how long he was going to live.  I wondered what he was going to look like.  So many thoughts rushed through my brain that Wednesday morning.  Of course he was perfect and fought for 8 hours.  He was so beautiful and sweet.  His whimpers are engrained in my mind and heart. It was the sweetest noise.  As I watched the show, I saw every little thing about the baby that reminded me of Grayson. 

I miss you Grayson.  My heart is empty without you here.  Your brother and sister sure do keep me entertained but I can't help but think that they would be entertaining you too.  It's not fair but I guess that's how life goes.  I look around and everyone I know is either having a baby or just had one.  I'm sure you'd be smiling and starting to show a little personality.  It hurts to not be able to just pick you up and hold you.  I can't even touch you.   I just wish I could really understand this all.  You are still my little baby boy and I won't ever forget you.  You've opened my eyes to alot of things.  I don't think I'll ever be the same.  I know your daddy and I have said that several times.  He told me before you were born that I wouldn't be the same person.  I'm not quite the same, but its for the better I think.  You have impacted so many people's lives just because you lived.  I chose life for you, but it was never a doubt for me.  It was never an option for me son, because you are my son, no matter what length of time.  God gave you to me, Heather Elaine Walker.  I knew that I would love you unconditionally.  I miss you so much Grayson James.  I wish Ellie and Noah could have grown up knowing you.  They would have you spoiled rotten already.  Ellie would've taken you to her room and acted like mommy.  I'm sure she would have been a big helper.  She might have even dressed you up in her baby doll clothes.  Noah could have shown you his cars and sung you the night, night song.  We love you bubba.  It won't be too long before we see your beautiful face again.  This time on earth is short but it means something.  We're gonna do our part to make sure that others know about your life and that they choose the same for their children.  You just keep on working on that mansion with Jesus.  I love you.

Mommy

Time Flies

It's been 4 weeks since Grayson was born.  His 1 month Heavenly birthday is tomorrow.  While I probably should be writing alot right now, I'm having a hard time with what to write since Grayson isn't physically with me.  Even though we lost Grayson, it seems almost as if life has continued on which is really ironic.  It didn't stop.

 Everything has settled down for the most part and I do have alot more peace than I thought.  I imagined I would by lying in my bed everday not wanting to get up.  God has truly continued carrying me and providing me with so much peace.  That's all there is to it.  I don't really know how to explain it any other way.  It's funny how you hear so many different responses and opinions about what others would have done in your situation.  Some have said they couldn't have done it, others say they just don't know.  I have a really hard time understanding how people who have children wouldn't choose life regardless of the outcome.  It's your child. It's almost like saying that if you find out your child has cancer or some life threatening disease you would just not want to deal with them either.  I don't know, maybe it just really upsets me.

I hope that if people don't gain anything else from Grayson's life and journey here....they get life.  By life I mean, the purpose.  Jesus.  God is the giver of life.  He is the one who takes away.  God allowed Patrick and I to conceive Grayson back in June of 2011.  We had no idea what would happen in the end.  God did.  He knew what Grayson's purpose was...8 hours or 20 years.  Everyone can live knowing that each minute counts. That each word and thoughtful gesture makes a difference.

2 Week Heavenly birthday

I can't believe it's already been two weeks since we met our little boy.  Time has gone by rather quickly.  I can say that I've experienced all different types of emotions.  Anger, frustration, sadness, joy.  This journey continues as God uses Grayson's life to bring people to Himself.  I sit in my bed and look at the tangible things that I have of him.  They are precious but nothing compared to holding him in my arms.  It's been difficult trying to grasp the fact that he was with me for 9 months, was born and lived for 8 wonderful hours, then he was gone.  I feel guilty at times because it's almost like I never had him if that makes any sense.  I know that I got to carry him in my belly and feel the closeness of him being with me everyday, but in the blink of an eye, he was gone.  I have the peace of knowing that Jesus is holding him right now until I get to Heaven, but it's still difficult.  I don't want to lose the little memories as time goes by.  I pray daily that Jesus gives him kisses for me and that he lets Grayson know how much we love him and miss him.

Grayson's Birth

On Wednesday, February 15, 2012, Patrick, Emily, and I woke up at 4:45 a.m.  I tried to take a shower but for some crazy reason the water wouldn't get hot.  I resorted to washing my hair in the sink.  I thought that made for an interesting start to the day.  We got dressed and Patrick loaded everything into the car.  I was tired, a little anxious, and excited for what would soon happen.  I wore a pair of polka-dotted pants and a shirt with three owls that matched Ellie, Noah, and Grayson's outfits.  The shirt said Owl always love you.  We took a few last pictures of my pregnant belly.  One really important one was of Ellie and Noah's handprints.  Emily painted a canvas that matched our little outfits that said, "These are the hands that hold our hearts together."  I had more peace than I could have imagined. 

We pulled out of the driveway around 6:15 a.m. and made Patrick's daily stop for his diet coke.  He offered to get me something forgetting that I couldn't eat or drink anything.  I've always hated that part about c-sections, nothing to eat or drink or gum or anything after midnight:)  We were on our way to Methodist Germantown Hospital.   Emily put some music on and I closed my eyes and worshipped Jesus.  As we drove down the highway, the sun was rising right in front of us.  It was perfect and special.  God was opening up the sky and showing us His beauty.   I prayed for peace and comfort and anything else that He knew I would need.  I'm always anxious about surgery and hospitals, but God knew. 

We arrived to meet another one of my best friends Christina and Kelly, our friend and pastor.  I checked in at 7:25 and they took me back to my room.  I knew the drill from there.  We met all of our nurses and one of them would become a friend we'll never forget, Rachel.  I put on my gown and waited for everyone to come in.  I continued to feel the most peace I think I've ever had in my life.  My family arrived and we visited for a few minutes.  At 8:45, our photographer, Crystal Brisco arrived and we discussed a few things.  Our family came back in and we took some pictures before being wheeled back to the operating room.

At 9:30 a.m, they took me to the delivery room.  For 5 months we had been anticipating this day, and it was finally here.  The moment we had been waiting for was just minutes away.  They did all the preparations for surgery and I was just lying there.  Patrick came in and I held his hand.  After some tugging and pulling, Grayson James Walker was here.  I heard him cry and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard.  I cried and couldn't wait to see him.  They brought him around to me, and he was perfect.  We cried and held him tightly.  God was in the room, I know the angels were dancing and I felt like dancing.

They took us to the recovery room and we just stared at him and kissed him over and over.  I wanted to hold onto this moment forever.  After a little while, they brought Ellie and Noah in.  They were excited to meet their precious little brother.  For months, they had been talking to him and putting their little hands and heads on my belly.  Now he was here.  They held him and kissed him. My parents and Patrick's parents came in along with our brothers and sisters.  It was emotional for everyone because we weren't sure how long we'd have.  I felt like God was going to give me a long time.  I dressed him in his little brother outfit and Crystal took a ton of pictures with Patrick, Ellie, and Noah.  She captured so many wonderful moments that will never be forgotten.  She also got pictures with all of the grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and close friends.  I felt blessed to have him in my arms making noises and just looking at me with that little eye.  His right eye opened a little bit, but because of his skull not being completely developed his left eye stayed open. I'm not sure that Grayson could see us but I know he felt mommy's love and the love of his family.

The hours went by and Patrick and I tried to do all of the things we'd normally do.  We gave him a bath, changed a wet diaper, and continued loving on him. Our wonderful nurse Rachel helped me try to do everything that I wanted.  I tried to nurse him, but he couldn't quite get the sucking down.  I wasn't sure if he was getting anything, but when I pulled him off my breast, he cried.  Medicine says that babies with anencephaly can't see or feel or anything else for that matter.  I find that hard to believe.  He wanted to be right next to mommy's heart.  Rachel and a few of the other nurses made molds of his hands and feet. They also made a Christmas tree ornament with footprints and handprints.  The lady from Paint a Piece arrived to get his fingerprint in silver clay.

Patrick and I knew that his breathing and heart rate was slowly dropping.  He was having trouble breathing.  We knew that it was a matter of time.  After hours of crying, smiling, and holding our precious little angel we were exhausted.  Patrick crawled into the hospital bed with me and we held our little boy.  No one was in the room but us.  We would drift off to sleep and then wake suddenly.  Grayson's nurse would come in and check his breathing every so often.  Grayson continued blowing bubbles and holding on.  Patrick and I tried so hard to stay awake, but it was like God was purposely making us fall asleep so we wouldn't have to watch him in any distress.  At one point he was having difficulty and we just cried out to God and asked Him to take him.  We cried and prayed and asked Jesus to not allow him to suffer.  We prayed he would take him home.  We couldn't bare him being in any pain or having a hard time.  We fell asleep again and awoke to three or four nurses standing around us.  Our eyes opened and he took his last breath.  The nurse looked at us and said he was gone.

At 10:00 a..m., Grayson James Walker entered into our world knowing the love of his mommy and daddy.  At 5:57 p.m, he entered into the arms of Jesus knowing the love of his mommy, daddy, and Heavenly father.

Fear is setting in

Today was a pretty good day.  We had Lexi's Minnie Mouse birthday party and it was really sweet.  Ellie and Noah had a good time.  They both love Mickey Mouse.  Anyways, we had fun and ate cupcakes.  I can't help but feel guilty right now.  My sweet little children Ellie and Noah seem to be having a hard time with everything.  I feel like I can't be there like I need to right now.  My emotions are everywhere and the hardest part hasn't even happened yet.  Ellie tells me not to cry and that everything is going to be okay.  I know she doesn't quite understand what is going to happen and it breaks my heart.  She kisses Grayson, my belly, all the time and tells him how much she loves him.  Noah is still little and I'm sure he can sense some type of confusion and chaos.  He just isn't old enough to understand that he won't get to grow up with his little brother.  Ellie would be such a good big sister to Grayson because she is almost 4 and absolutely loves babies!! She's been changing Noah's diapers since she was 2 and a half.:) We talk about Heaven alot and have explained to her and Noah that Grayson is special and that God will take him to Heaven.  She asks if we can fly a plane to get there, lol.  The whole death thing is hard enough for us to comprehend, much less a 4 year old.  She is very concerned about Jesus and Grayson.  She made up a song that she sings about sweet Grayson going to Heaven.  Noah loves on his brother too.  My hope is that they are able to have the best memories with their little brother.  Of course I'm nervous and anxious right now, but its got to get better.  I just don't like not knowing anything.  I don't know how long we'll have, or what state he'll be in.  I just want time. I just want to remember everything about him.  I don't want to forget his smell or any wrinkle on his body.  I want to treasure it.  My prayer is that God continues sustaining us and our sweet children for the days and weeks ahead.  I pray that He gives Ellie and Noah everything that they need when we can't.  I'm so worried about not being the mom I need to be for them when this all happens.  God will protect them and give them so much grace and love.  I tell them every night that the angels watch over them and that Jesus is always with them.


Dear Grayson,
Time is going by so quickly now.  I remember when we found out 5 months ago.  It seemed like such a long time, but its gone by too fast.  I've tried to think of ways to make memories that we can hold onto with you.  Of course, I feel as though I haven't done enough.  I could have read to you more...I will read as much as I possibly can in the next 11 days.  We sing to you and you kick.  You are so active!! The other day, I thought my rib was going to come out of place.  As each day passes, I get excited and nervous.  I can't wait to meet you, but I don't want to let you go.  I know God Himself will be singing and the angels will rejoice, but I'd like to have you here for a long time.  Jesus knows the outcome already.  I wish he'd fill me in a little bit.  By the way, I was asking you how much you weigh the other day.  I'm guessing you're going to be about 6 lbs. 8 oz.  I hope I'm close.  Baby boy, you're loved more than you know and I'm sorry I can't do anything to change the outcome.  I want to be in control, but everything is in God's hands.  He created you special and wonderfully.  You are in His hands now, as He continues forming you and adding those last little touches.  He has numbered your days and knows the hairs on that beautiful little head of yours.  I love you so much son.  Sweet dreams.