Relief

We just finished moving out of the house we've called home for the past 2 years.  We made some good memories in that house but its time for a new chapter.  Because of mine and Patrick's choice for me to stay at home, we are having to make some changes.  So, for now, we will be living with my wonderful in-laws!! There have been so many changes in our lives for the past year, but I believe this one will be for the best.

Slowing Down

Everything with the Grayson Project has taken off so fast!! Don't get me wrong, its exciting but a littl overwhelming. My goal right now is to come up with a schedule to prioritize everything that way it should be.  It takes alot of work to start an organization.  I've learned that very quickly.  I have also realized that if I don't watch out, The Grayson Project could take precedence over everything else in my life.  I know that everything with this project will come together in due time.  So much has been done and so many people have given generously.  The support of everyone locally, nationally, and internationally are what it takes to raise awareness for this cause.  Last Tuesday, June 19th, I was able to take our first Grayson's Gift to a family in Jackson, TN.  The gift basket included a bible, journal, canvas with ink pad for footprints, a blanket, bib, and a casting kit.  The Walkers were extremely thankful for this small gift.  It was my pleasure to pass along something dear to my heart.  Though Grayson couldn't be here to deliver the gift with me, his life is being remembered in the process.  I want to thank everyone for their prayers, encouragement, and donations towards this ministry!! It's all coming together and I'm simply remembering that it's all falling into place.

Enough heartache for one day

I woke up this morning reminded of another mommy who was on her way to have her precious baby girl.  Stephanie Cribb delivered a beautiful baby girl, Kendall, at 9:57 a.m.  I was praying the whole time but really wanted to pick up the phone or drive down to Georgia to just be there.  I felt the anxiety and anticipation of this sweet baby girls birth just like I did 3.5 months ago.  Though I wanted to just check the updates of this sweet family throughout the day, I wasn't able to because I had 6 children to look after.  My mind quickly went from sadness to joy as I watched them jump into the pool.  Their contagious giggles were just what I needed.  I thought and prayed about this sweet family throughout the day and saw their status.  Sweet Kendall went to be with Jesus.  I cried. I knew she was with Grayson, but I knew the sadness that was filling her parents' hearts.  I know that God is surrounding them with so much comfort right now.  I know that He is in that room.  I pray that they are able to sleep tonight.  The road isn't easy but it is possible.

As if that wasn't heartbreaking enough,  I discovered that a little girl, Lucy Krull, was fighting her battle with cancer once again.  From what I understand, she was doing well until this past weekend.  Apparently the cancer had come back and Lucy had taken a turn for the worse.  For the last year and a few months, we have been praying for this precious little angel.  She is beautiful, a bright-eyed little girl.  We prayed tonight, Ellie really pleading for God to help her not be in any pain anymore.  She feels very connected to Lucy though she hasn't met her before.  We will continue praying for both families.  My heart aches because I know the anguish that overtakes you.  I know that words offer no comfort.  I know that not much can be said to fill the emptiness in your heart.  So, today, tomorrow, and everyday, I will continue praying for God's will for both of these families.  That's all I can do right now...wish I could do so much more.

Grayson Project

So much has happened in the past few months.  Just two weeks ago, we were struggling emotionally over missing Grayson.  Patrick and I are felt like we were at the bottom, hopeless.  Well, not hopeless because we know that God is there, but hopeless that anything positive was going to come out of any of our journey.  Yes, I've had visions for the last year of what could be done through Grayson's short life and our journey through anencephaly, but never, in my wildest dreams did I think it would happen so quickly.

 After a few bad weeks in May and my first mother's day without Grayson, I felt defeated.  Patrick and I knew that we needed someone to come and save us from the pit that we were falling into.  After watching Private Practice on Tuesday night, Grayson's 3 months birthday, I found my self even more emotional.  I felt bitter and angry because I didn't have him with me.  It had hit me.  The realization that Grayson wasn't coming back and that I really just had a baby and had to bury him was too much for me to fathom.  How could I have had a baby and had to bury him within a few days of bringing him into the world?

With a bunch of different emotions running through my head, I clicked the button to upload my beautiful baby boy's photo.  Within 24 hours, I was notified that my photo had been removed because of content!! Content, my baby's face was removed because someone found it offensive.  In a world of sexual media and profanity, my sweet baby's newborn photo was too graphic?! I quickly posted a comment in my frustration, and that's all it took.  With the click of a button, the entire world was shaken.  Within 24 hours, Grayson's photo had done viral.  I'm not putting it lightly either.  I received messages from all over the world, some in different languages.  That's when the fire in my heart came back.  A precious baby boy with a fatal birth defect could shake a nation, a planet?!  Amazing.

Jesus.  Jesus. Jesus.  In the moment of desperation and pain, He came.  He didn't just send someone to rescue us out of the pit...he sent the world to encourage us.  That's how He does things.  Sometimes small and sometimes far bigger than you could ever imagine.  He chose for us, far bigger! I'm so glad He did.  God knew that three months after Grayson's death that the reality was going to hit me.  He knew that Private Practice was going to have a doctor on there that was pregnant with anencephaly.  He also knew that I would be watching it and that I was already an emotional wreck.

Here it goes....in my weakness, His power was made perfect.  He knew.  He knew since the beginning of time that the week of May 12th was going to be a rough one for Heather and Patrick Walker.  So, like He always does, He proved Himself faithful once again.  He showed up and showed off!  What some meant for evil against us...God meant for good.

Our vision for starting something came into fruition within a week.  Now, two weeks later, Grayson Project, is a non-profit organization.  Did I think that it would happen this fast, no.  But, Grayson's story reached across an entire planet and you can't tell me that wasn't God's timing.  I'm happy to say that we planned our first event.  We designed t-shirts with our logo and Psalm 139:13-14.  We had an amazing turn out at the Chik-fil-a in Millingotn.  People came to support Grayson.  They came knowing that God's plan was underway.  After four incredible hours of meeting people and selling shirts, we concluded our first Grayson Project event.

Memorial Day

Today was a blast! Ellie, Shannon, Ruth Ann, mom, and I went out for a girl's day.  Today was mom's ...birthday so we did a little shopping.  One of my latest projects it to make flower arrangements for my brother Tye's wedding.  We finally found the right flowers, now I just have to make them look beautiful in a tin can, lol.  It sounds unique, but it looks really pretty.  So after a stop to Garden Ridge, we went to TJ Max, one of my favorite places!  I tried on a few swimsuits, and finally picked a solid black one.  I must mention, I don't enjoy swimsuit shopping.  Its been five years since I've tried one on.  While venturing through the store, Ellie discovered a pack of baby bottles.  She is so fascinated, or should I say obsessed with baby things.  While I was looking through the toddler clothes, she discovered how take the bottle apart and play with it.  I quickly told her to put it back in the box.  She replied, "Mommy, I want to get this for Grayson.  Can we come back and get it for him another day? We need to tell Jesus to come to the hospital and take the bottle to Heaven with Him." I know it sounds like I'm exaggerating but I'm not.  She talks about her brother all the time, and many times, its' all I can do to keep from crying.  It's bittersweet.  We went to a few other places and finally stopped at Michaels to pick out some flowers for Grayson's vase.  We chose red, white, and blue carnations and some really cute sparkly sticks with flags.  The bouqet was perfect for my perfect little angel.  This memorial day was one I'll never forget I'm sure. We made memories that will last a life time. We will never forget.

Much needed Apology

Just a few days ago,  I posted a picture of my precious baby boy without his hat on.  Some wonder why it took me so long to post it.  Here is my answer: I was tired of trying to hide my son, the way he was, just to make others feel comfortable.  I felt like people would be scared or offended because his head didn't look like other babies.  A sudden impulse, in my grieving process, told me to be proud and not worried about the thoughts of others.  So, with one click, the photo of Grayson was posted.

The next morning after posting his picture, I had a huge box on my screen that said the "content" had been deleted.  Already feeling down and defeated, I became furious.  What "content" were they referring to? My son, Grayson James Walker, was considered to be something bad enough to delete!! I was offended, hurt beyond measure, and just angry.  I told Patrick about it and immediately posted a comment about my frustration.

At that moment, I had no idea what was about to happen.  I was just voicing my frustration, but it erupted into something so much bigger.!! I'm so glad it did.  Why? I was able to share the most precious gift of life with thousands upon thousands of people who would have never known him otherwise.  What satan meant for evil, God meant for so much good.  A baby boy, imperfect in the world's eyes, touched the lives of people all over the globe.   For this mistake on facebook's behalf, I've been able to share what God had intended in the first place.  This avenue, through media and such has raised awareness to anencephaly and quite simply the importance of choosing life.  For life is precious, and God's most precious gift.

After being interviewed by local news and our story and frustration being shared across the globe, I wondered if facebook would apologize.  That's all I wanted, an apology.  I didn't want to sue them, I just wanted them to allow me to do what I feel my right is...to share my baby boy with everyone else.

So today, after reading email after email, I saw it...an email from facebook. The email was an apology about removing his photo.   It made mine and Patrick's day and took the burden of offense off our shoulders.  That was never our intention in the first place.

Forget me Not

Today marks three months and one days since we said hello and goodbye to Grayson.. You'd think it'd get easier with time, but I would disagree, or right now anyways.  I miss him more than ever.  I see all the pictures of other friends babies and wonder what he would look like.  There is a place in my heart that is missing.  I don't want Grayson to be forgotten. I want his life to always be remembered.  He was a servant, God's little servant.  He was in my arms briefly and I just wish I could go back to that day.  I wish I could remember ever detail. As I was watching Private Practice last night, I was taken back to that day for a moment.  Amelia, one of the doctors, had a baby with anencephaly.  As she voiced what she was feeling that day, I too can relate.  I remember lying in the hospital bed wondering if he was going to be alive or how long he was going to live.  I wondered what he was going to look like.  So many thoughts rushed through my brain that Wednesday morning.  Of course he was perfect and fought for 8 hours.  He was so beautiful and sweet.  His whimpers are engrained in my mind and heart. It was the sweetest noise.  As I watched the show, I saw every little thing about the baby that reminded me of Grayson.