Our Miracle is Here
Welcome Little Angel Grayson James Walker
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
2 Week Heavenly birthday
I can't believe it's already been two weeks since we met our little boy. Time has gone by rather quickly. I can say that I've experienced all different types of emotions. Anger, frustration, sadness, joy. This journey continues as God uses Grayson's life to bring people to Himself. I sit in my bed and look at the tangible things that I have of him. They are precious but nothing compared to holding him in my arms. It's been difficult trying to grasp the fact that he was with me for 9 months, was born and lived for 8 wonderful hours, then he was gone. I feel guilty at times because it's almost like I never had him if that makes any sense. I know that I got to carry him in my belly and feel the closeness of him being with me everyday, but in the blink of an eye, he was gone. I have the peace of knowing that Jesus is holding him right now until I get to Heaven, but it's still difficult. I don't want to lose the little memories as time goes by. I pray daily that Jesus gives him kisses for me and that he lets Grayson know how much we love him and miss him.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Grayson's Birth
On Wednesday, February 15, 2012, Patrick, Emily, and I woke up at 4:45 a.m. I tried to take a shower but for some crazy reason the water wouldn't get hot. I resorted to washing my hair in the sink. I thought that made for an interesting start to the day. We got dressed and Patrick loaded everything into the car. I was tired, a little anxious, and excited for what would soon happen. I wore a pair of polka-dotted pants and a shirt with three owls that matched Ellie, Noah, and Grayson's outfits. The shirt said Owl always love you. We took a few last pictures of my pregnant belly. One really important one was of Ellie and Noah's handprints. Emily painted a canvas that matched our little outfits that said, "These are the hands that hold our hearts together." I had more peace than I could have imagined.
We pulled out of the driveway around 6:15 a.m. and made Patrick's daily stop for his diet coke. He offered to get me something forgetting that I couldn't eat or drink anything. I've always hated that part about c-sections, nothing to eat or drink or gum or anything after midnight:) We were on our way to Methodist Germantown Hospital. Emily put some music on and I closed my eyes and worshipped Jesus. As we drove down the highway, the sun was rising right in front of us. It was perfect and special. God was opening up the sky and showing us His beauty. I prayed for peace and comfort and anything else that He knew I would need. I'm always anxious about surgery and hospitals, but God knew.
We arrived to meet another one of my best friends Christina and Kelly, our friend and pastor. I checked in at 7:25 and they took me back to my room. I knew the drill from there. We met all of our nurses and one of them would become a friend we'll never forget, Rachel. I put on my gown and waited for everyone to come in. I continued to feel the most peace I think I've ever had in my life. My family arrived and we visited for a few minutes. At 8:45, our photographer, Crystal Brisco arrived and we discussed a few things. Our family came back in and we took some pictures before being wheeled back to the operating room.
At 9:30 a.m, they took me to the delivery room. For 5 months we had been anticipating this day, and it was finally here. The moment we had been waiting for was just minutes away. They did all the preparations for surgery and I was just lying there. Patrick came in and I held his hand. After some tugging and pulling, Grayson James Walker was here. I heard him cry and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. I cried and couldn't wait to see him. They brought him around to me, and he was perfect. We cried and held him tightly. God was in the room, I know the angels were dancing and I felt like dancing.
They took us to the recovery room and we just stared at him and kissed him over and over. I wanted to hold onto this moment forever. After a little while, they brought Ellie and Noah in. They were excited to meet their precious little brother. For months, they had been talking to him and putting their little hands and heads on my belly. Now he was here. They held him and kissed him. My parents and Patrick's parents came in along with our brothers and sisters. It was emotional for everyone because we weren't sure how long we'd have. I felt like God was going to give me a long time. I dressed him in his little brother outfit and Crystal took a ton of pictures with Patrick, Ellie, and Noah. She captured so many wonderful moments that will never be forgotten. She also got pictures with all of the grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and close friends. I felt blessed to have him in my arms making noises and just looking at me with that little eye. His right eye opened a little bit, but because of his skull not being completely developed his left eye stayed open. I'm not sure that Grayson could see us but I know he felt mommy's love and the love of his family.
The hours went by and Patrick and I tried to do all of the things we'd normally do. We gave him a bath, changed a wet diaper, and continued loving on him. Our wonderful nurse Rachel helped me try to do everything that I wanted. I tried to nurse him, but he couldn't quite get the sucking down. I wasn't sure if he was getting anything, but when I pulled him off my breast, he cried. Medicine says that babies with anencephaly can't see or feel or anything else for that matter. I find that hard to believe. He wanted to be right next to mommy's heart. Rachel and a few of the other nurses made molds of his hands and feet. They also made a Christmas tree ornament with footprints and handprints. The lady from Paint a Piece arrived to get his fingerprint in silver clay.
Patrick and I knew that his breathing and heart rate was slowly dropping. He was having trouble breathing. We knew that it was a matter of time. After hours of crying, smiling, and holding our precious little angel we were exhausted. Patrick crawled into the hospital bed with me and we held our little boy. No one was in the room but us. We would drift off to sleep and then wake suddenly. Grayson's nurse would come in and check his breathing every so often. Grayson continued blowing bubbles and holding on. Patrick and I tried so hard to stay awake, but it was like God was purposely making us fall asleep so we wouldn't have to watch him in any distress. At one point he was having difficulty and we just cried out to God and asked Him to take him. We cried and prayed and asked Jesus to not allow him to suffer. We prayed he would take him home. We couldn't bare him being in any pain or having a hard time. We fell asleep again and awoke to three or four nurses standing around us. Our eyes opened and he took his last breath. The nurse looked at us and said he was gone.
At 10:00 a..m., Grayson James Walker entered into our world knowing the love of his mommy and daddy. At 5:57 p.m, he entered into the arms of Jesus knowing the love of his mommy, daddy, and Heavenly father.
We pulled out of the driveway around 6:15 a.m. and made Patrick's daily stop for his diet coke. He offered to get me something forgetting that I couldn't eat or drink anything. I've always hated that part about c-sections, nothing to eat or drink or gum or anything after midnight:) We were on our way to Methodist Germantown Hospital. Emily put some music on and I closed my eyes and worshipped Jesus. As we drove down the highway, the sun was rising right in front of us. It was perfect and special. God was opening up the sky and showing us His beauty. I prayed for peace and comfort and anything else that He knew I would need. I'm always anxious about surgery and hospitals, but God knew.
We arrived to meet another one of my best friends Christina and Kelly, our friend and pastor. I checked in at 7:25 and they took me back to my room. I knew the drill from there. We met all of our nurses and one of them would become a friend we'll never forget, Rachel. I put on my gown and waited for everyone to come in. I continued to feel the most peace I think I've ever had in my life. My family arrived and we visited for a few minutes. At 8:45, our photographer, Crystal Brisco arrived and we discussed a few things. Our family came back in and we took some pictures before being wheeled back to the operating room.
At 9:30 a.m, they took me to the delivery room. For 5 months we had been anticipating this day, and it was finally here. The moment we had been waiting for was just minutes away. They did all the preparations for surgery and I was just lying there. Patrick came in and I held his hand. After some tugging and pulling, Grayson James Walker was here. I heard him cry and it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever heard. I cried and couldn't wait to see him. They brought him around to me, and he was perfect. We cried and held him tightly. God was in the room, I know the angels were dancing and I felt like dancing.
They took us to the recovery room and we just stared at him and kissed him over and over. I wanted to hold onto this moment forever. After a little while, they brought Ellie and Noah in. They were excited to meet their precious little brother. For months, they had been talking to him and putting their little hands and heads on my belly. Now he was here. They held him and kissed him. My parents and Patrick's parents came in along with our brothers and sisters. It was emotional for everyone because we weren't sure how long we'd have. I felt like God was going to give me a long time. I dressed him in his little brother outfit and Crystal took a ton of pictures with Patrick, Ellie, and Noah. She captured so many wonderful moments that will never be forgotten. She also got pictures with all of the grandparents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and close friends. I felt blessed to have him in my arms making noises and just looking at me with that little eye. His right eye opened a little bit, but because of his skull not being completely developed his left eye stayed open. I'm not sure that Grayson could see us but I know he felt mommy's love and the love of his family.
The hours went by and Patrick and I tried to do all of the things we'd normally do. We gave him a bath, changed a wet diaper, and continued loving on him. Our wonderful nurse Rachel helped me try to do everything that I wanted. I tried to nurse him, but he couldn't quite get the sucking down. I wasn't sure if he was getting anything, but when I pulled him off my breast, he cried. Medicine says that babies with anencephaly can't see or feel or anything else for that matter. I find that hard to believe. He wanted to be right next to mommy's heart. Rachel and a few of the other nurses made molds of his hands and feet. They also made a Christmas tree ornament with footprints and handprints. The lady from Paint a Piece arrived to get his fingerprint in silver clay.
Patrick and I knew that his breathing and heart rate was slowly dropping. He was having trouble breathing. We knew that it was a matter of time. After hours of crying, smiling, and holding our precious little angel we were exhausted. Patrick crawled into the hospital bed with me and we held our little boy. No one was in the room but us. We would drift off to sleep and then wake suddenly. Grayson's nurse would come in and check his breathing every so often. Grayson continued blowing bubbles and holding on. Patrick and I tried so hard to stay awake, but it was like God was purposely making us fall asleep so we wouldn't have to watch him in any distress. At one point he was having difficulty and we just cried out to God and asked Him to take him. We cried and prayed and asked Jesus to not allow him to suffer. We prayed he would take him home. We couldn't bare him being in any pain or having a hard time. We fell asleep again and awoke to three or four nurses standing around us. Our eyes opened and he took his last breath. The nurse looked at us and said he was gone.
At 10:00 a..m., Grayson James Walker entered into our world knowing the love of his mommy and daddy. At 5:57 p.m, he entered into the arms of Jesus knowing the love of his mommy, daddy, and Heavenly father.
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Fear is setting in
Today was a pretty good day. We had Lexi's Minnie Mouse birthday party and it was really sweet. Ellie and Noah had a good time. They both love Mickey Mouse. Anyways, we had fun and ate cupcakes. I can't help but feel guilty right now. My sweet little children Ellie and Noah seem to be having a hard time with everything. I feel like I can't be there like I need to right now. My emotions are everywhere and the hardest part hasn't even happened yet. Ellie tells me not to cry and that everything is going to be okay. I know she doesn't quite understand what is going to happen and it breaks my heart. She kisses Grayson, my belly, all the time and tells him how much she loves him. Noah is still little and I'm sure he can sense some type of confusion and chaos. He just isn't old enough to understand that he won't get to grow up with his little brother. Ellie would be such a good big sister to Grayson because she is almost 4 and absolutely loves babies!! She's been changing Noah's diapers since she was 2 and a half.:) We talk about Heaven alot and have explained to her and Noah that Grayson is special and that God will take him to Heaven. She asks if we can fly a plane to get there, lol. The whole death thing is hard enough for us to comprehend, much less a 4 year old. She is very concerned about Jesus and Grayson. She made up a song that she sings about sweet Grayson going to Heaven. Noah loves on his brother too. My hope is that they are able to have the best memories with their little brother. Of course I'm nervous and anxious right now, but its got to get better. I just don't like not knowing anything. I don't know how long we'll have, or what state he'll be in. I just want time. I just want to remember everything about him. I don't want to forget his smell or any wrinkle on his body. I want to treasure it. My prayer is that God continues sustaining us and our sweet children for the days and weeks ahead. I pray that He gives Ellie and Noah everything that they need when we can't. I'm so worried about not being the mom I need to be for them when this all happens. God will protect them and give them so much grace and love. I tell them every night that the angels watch over them and that Jesus is always with them.
Dear Grayson,
Time is going by so quickly now. I remember when we found out 5 months ago. It seemed like such a long time, but its gone by too fast. I've tried to think of ways to make memories that we can hold onto with you. Of course, I feel as though I haven't done enough. I could have read to you more...I will read as much as I possibly can in the next 11 days. We sing to you and you kick. You are so active!! The other day, I thought my rib was going to come out of place. As each day passes, I get excited and nervous. I can't wait to meet you, but I don't want to let you go. I know God Himself will be singing and the angels will rejoice, but I'd like to have you here for a long time. Jesus knows the outcome already. I wish he'd fill me in a little bit. By the way, I was asking you how much you weigh the other day. I'm guessing you're going to be about 6 lbs. 8 oz. I hope I'm close. Baby boy, you're loved more than you know and I'm sorry I can't do anything to change the outcome. I want to be in control, but everything is in God's hands. He created you special and wonderfully. You are in His hands now, as He continues forming you and adding those last little touches. He has numbered your days and knows the hairs on that beautiful little head of yours. I love you so much son. Sweet dreams.
Dear Grayson,
Time is going by so quickly now. I remember when we found out 5 months ago. It seemed like such a long time, but its gone by too fast. I've tried to think of ways to make memories that we can hold onto with you. Of course, I feel as though I haven't done enough. I could have read to you more...I will read as much as I possibly can in the next 11 days. We sing to you and you kick. You are so active!! The other day, I thought my rib was going to come out of place. As each day passes, I get excited and nervous. I can't wait to meet you, but I don't want to let you go. I know God Himself will be singing and the angels will rejoice, but I'd like to have you here for a long time. Jesus knows the outcome already. I wish he'd fill me in a little bit. By the way, I was asking you how much you weigh the other day. I'm guessing you're going to be about 6 lbs. 8 oz. I hope I'm close. Baby boy, you're loved more than you know and I'm sorry I can't do anything to change the outcome. I want to be in control, but everything is in God's hands. He created you special and wonderfully. You are in His hands now, as He continues forming you and adding those last little touches. He has numbered your days and knows the hairs on that beautiful little head of yours. I love you so much son. Sweet dreams.
Monday, January 23, 2012
My New Friend
I recently met another mommy whose baby girl had anencephaly. She came over to my house a few weeks ago and we talked for hours. The most interesting thing about how we met is that two different people connected me with her. One of the people I teach with, and the other I randomly talked to a fabric store. One of the teachers I teach with told me about a young lady whom she believed had a baby two years ago with anencephaly. I was shocked to find out that there may be someone I could talk to. She gave me the girl's letter and phone number about a month before Christmas, but I didn't call. I wasn't sure what to say and was just busy with the holidays. I continued to think about talking to her and finding out how she went through her journey.
Christmas time came and my sister in law and I were at Hancock's. We were looking for fabric for Ellie, Noah, and Grayson's appliques. I wanted to find the perfect fabric for the outfits that they would wear to welcome Grayson. We were talking about how to do appliques and a lady started explaining to us how easy it was. She talked about her business and her grandchildren. She reassured us that it wouldn't be too hard. I walked off for a few minutes to continue looking at different fabrics. When I returned, the lady had tears in her eyes. I figured that Candy must have told her about Grayson. No quicker than I could say something about him, she said that she couldn't believe it. She knew someone whose baby had anencephaly. Wow, I could talk to two women about their journeys through anencephaly. As we talked, she told us that she knew it must be God that we met. She actually started a line of dresses to remember the baby. I was so excited. She said that I should really meet this young lady, and we exchanged numbers.
I couldn't wait to talk to both of these women. Two days later, Mary called me and emailed me. After reading her email, I got the chills. She informed me that in two months time, two different women had passed along her information to women who were having babies with anencephaly. Little did she know that I was the same person whom both of these women gave the information to. We talked for a while after I called her and planned to meet the following Saturday. I felt so relieved to know that I could have someone to talk to and bond with that had been through the very same thing. The reason this was so special was because 98% of women who find out they're having a baby with anencephaly terminate their pregnancy. This means that there aren't alot of people to talk to, especially in the same city.
I am sure that Mary and I will have a friendship that lasts for years to come. She has already offered so much support about everything. We looked at pictures of her little girl and talked about both of our angels. God has blessed her so much and helped her. I know He is going to do the same for me because He has promised me this because I am his child.
Christmas time came and my sister in law and I were at Hancock's. We were looking for fabric for Ellie, Noah, and Grayson's appliques. I wanted to find the perfect fabric for the outfits that they would wear to welcome Grayson. We were talking about how to do appliques and a lady started explaining to us how easy it was. She talked about her business and her grandchildren. She reassured us that it wouldn't be too hard. I walked off for a few minutes to continue looking at different fabrics. When I returned, the lady had tears in her eyes. I figured that Candy must have told her about Grayson. No quicker than I could say something about him, she said that she couldn't believe it. She knew someone whose baby had anencephaly. Wow, I could talk to two women about their journeys through anencephaly. As we talked, she told us that she knew it must be God that we met. She actually started a line of dresses to remember the baby. I was so excited. She said that I should really meet this young lady, and we exchanged numbers.
I couldn't wait to talk to both of these women. Two days later, Mary called me and emailed me. After reading her email, I got the chills. She informed me that in two months time, two different women had passed along her information to women who were having babies with anencephaly. Little did she know that I was the same person whom both of these women gave the information to. We talked for a while after I called her and planned to meet the following Saturday. I felt so relieved to know that I could have someone to talk to and bond with that had been through the very same thing. The reason this was so special was because 98% of women who find out they're having a baby with anencephaly terminate their pregnancy. This means that there aren't alot of people to talk to, especially in the same city.
I am sure that Mary and I will have a friendship that lasts for years to come. She has already offered so much support about everything. We looked at pictures of her little girl and talked about both of our angels. God has blessed her so much and helped her. I know He is going to do the same for me because He has promised me this because I am his child.
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Bedrest
A week ago I went to the hospital because of contractions and lower back cramping and pain. We arrived at the hospital and my nerves started to get the best of me. I was lying in the hospital bed hoping I wasn't in actual labor because I knew Grayson needed more time to grow and develop. I also wasn't ready to have him. I got scared and anxious so quickly as I looked at the little plastic baby bed that I've seen 2 times before. I couldn't help but think that Grayson might not get to lay in that little bed very long. I know that Patrick and I will hold him every second, but I'd love to lay next to him like I did with Ellie and Noah. I remember watching them move around in that little plastic bed. They would make those little gurgle noises and Patrick and I would just stare in amazement. God only knows what lies ahead for us. Maybe we will have the opportunity to watch him move around and make those little gurgle noises.
After hours of monitoring the contractions and making sure there were no other complications, the nurse gave me a shot to stop the contractions. I was relieved that I would be able to go home and enjoy more time with my little boy. Patrick and I were both relieved because we knew and I know that God knew it wasn't time.
I rested for the next few days and continued to experience the back pain and mild contractions. Heating pads and warm baths are wonderful, but sometimes they don't help. I started feeling somewhat better and returned to work. As I went to school each day, I continued having the lower back cramps and contractions. I attempted to finish out the whole week but didn't return today. I went to my doctor's appointment and we discussed alot of stuff. The doctor put me on bedrest until the delivery. We talked about when and what would be best. My specialist advised that 37 weeks would be a good time. Because of Grayson's condition, it wouldn't matter whether I have him at 37 or 40 weeks.
Our plan is to have him around Feb. 22, 2012. My doctor is on call that day and that puts around 38 weeks. Patrick and I are nervous about the whole thing. We're scared because we've never had to face death with someone so close, our son. It's not going to be easy, but it will be the closest we get to Heaven until Jesus calls us home. I know that Patrick is going to hold me and be so strong during all of this. He has reassured me that everything is going to be okay. He had reminded me that God is going to take care of us. Please pray for us in the days ahead and as we plan and get ready for this day.
After hours of monitoring the contractions and making sure there were no other complications, the nurse gave me a shot to stop the contractions. I was relieved that I would be able to go home and enjoy more time with my little boy. Patrick and I were both relieved because we knew and I know that God knew it wasn't time.
I rested for the next few days and continued to experience the back pain and mild contractions. Heating pads and warm baths are wonderful, but sometimes they don't help. I started feeling somewhat better and returned to work. As I went to school each day, I continued having the lower back cramps and contractions. I attempted to finish out the whole week but didn't return today. I went to my doctor's appointment and we discussed alot of stuff. The doctor put me on bedrest until the delivery. We talked about when and what would be best. My specialist advised that 37 weeks would be a good time. Because of Grayson's condition, it wouldn't matter whether I have him at 37 or 40 weeks.
Our plan is to have him around Feb. 22, 2012. My doctor is on call that day and that puts around 38 weeks. Patrick and I are nervous about the whole thing. We're scared because we've never had to face death with someone so close, our son. It's not going to be easy, but it will be the closest we get to Heaven until Jesus calls us home. I know that Patrick is going to hold me and be so strong during all of this. He has reassured me that everything is going to be okay. He had reminded me that God is going to take care of us. Please pray for us in the days ahead and as we plan and get ready for this day.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Christmas Memories
The weeks have gone by too fast. They've gone by so fast that I didn't realize that I hadn't written anything for the New Year or Christmas.
Christmas Eve, we spent time with Patrick's family and it was wonderful. I had a bittersweet feeling inside of me because I knew that this would be Grayson's first and last Christmas. I wanted so badly to make everything extra special for Him. I thought he should be the focus and that we should make sure we did the same for him as if he were crawling around on the carpet. At midnight, my mom, my brother Tye and I went to Walgreens to pick out a few things for his stocking. As I tried to decide what would be really special, I got somewhat frustrated. We found a box of 3 pairs of little booties, a miniature moose pillow pet, and of course a stocking with a little snowman in it. I was somewhat excited but disappointed at the same time.
The next day morning we woke up and Ellie and Noah were super excited to see what Santa brought. We all ran downstairs with cell phones in our hands trying to capture the joy of Christmas. Patrick's parents came over and we had a great time opening presents and watching them ride their bike and little four wheeler. Even though it was so wonderful to see them so thrilled about their toys, I couldn't help but think that Grayson wouldn't be apart of it next year. I looked frequently at the little stocking on the tree that had a little gold G on it. This time next year, he would be crawling around and pulling up on the couch, but without a miracle I wouldn't get to see this. After opening presents, we got ready for church.
As I thought about Mary and the birth of Jesus, I felt like I could feel what she must have felt. She knew that God had a special plan for her son's life but knew that she was carrying someone who would be the Savior to all mankind. I'm not comparing myself to Mary and Grayson to Jesus by any means, because we couldn't come close, obviously. But like Mary, I would have to give up my son for a greater purpose
On Christmas morning, I sang the song Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant at church. I'm not quite sure how I got through it without breaking down, well Jesus was definitely holding me up. The words to this song and the meaning of Christmas were extra special and just amazing to me this year. They meant so much more than because I was going through something so similar.
The day after Christmas, we spent time with my mom, dad, brother Jason, my sister-in-law Candace, my sister Shannon, my other brother Tye and all of my wonderful nieces and nephews. I only get to see them once a year, so its always exciting to hang out with them and see how much the kids have grown. We hugged and laughed and did our annual Walmart/Starbucks run. We usually have to buy a pregnancy test for me, but not this year!! It was special and sweet, I just wanted to freeze the moment once again. I wanted to just hold onto anything that would keep the memory of this Christmas from slipping too far away. God knew what was going on in my mind, and He helped me get through it.
Christmas Eve, we spent time with Patrick's family and it was wonderful. I had a bittersweet feeling inside of me because I knew that this would be Grayson's first and last Christmas. I wanted so badly to make everything extra special for Him. I thought he should be the focus and that we should make sure we did the same for him as if he were crawling around on the carpet. At midnight, my mom, my brother Tye and I went to Walgreens to pick out a few things for his stocking. As I tried to decide what would be really special, I got somewhat frustrated. We found a box of 3 pairs of little booties, a miniature moose pillow pet, and of course a stocking with a little snowman in it. I was somewhat excited but disappointed at the same time.
The next day morning we woke up and Ellie and Noah were super excited to see what Santa brought. We all ran downstairs with cell phones in our hands trying to capture the joy of Christmas. Patrick's parents came over and we had a great time opening presents and watching them ride their bike and little four wheeler. Even though it was so wonderful to see them so thrilled about their toys, I couldn't help but think that Grayson wouldn't be apart of it next year. I looked frequently at the little stocking on the tree that had a little gold G on it. This time next year, he would be crawling around and pulling up on the couch, but without a miracle I wouldn't get to see this. After opening presents, we got ready for church.
As I thought about Mary and the birth of Jesus, I felt like I could feel what she must have felt. She knew that God had a special plan for her son's life but knew that she was carrying someone who would be the Savior to all mankind. I'm not comparing myself to Mary and Grayson to Jesus by any means, because we couldn't come close, obviously. But like Mary, I would have to give up my son for a greater purpose
On Christmas morning, I sang the song Breath of Heaven by Amy Grant at church. I'm not quite sure how I got through it without breaking down, well Jesus was definitely holding me up. The words to this song and the meaning of Christmas were extra special and just amazing to me this year. They meant so much more than because I was going through something so similar.
The day after Christmas, we spent time with my mom, dad, brother Jason, my sister-in-law Candace, my sister Shannon, my other brother Tye and all of my wonderful nieces and nephews. I only get to see them once a year, so its always exciting to hang out with them and see how much the kids have grown. We hugged and laughed and did our annual Walmart/Starbucks run. We usually have to buy a pregnancy test for me, but not this year!! It was special and sweet, I just wanted to freeze the moment once again. I wanted to just hold onto anything that would keep the memory of this Christmas from slipping too far away. God knew what was going on in my mind, and He helped me get through it.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
Time is ticking
I'm not sure what to write today. I feel like I should be writing alot more right now. Grayson is growing more and more each day. He continues to kick and move around so much. When I think about my other two pregnancies, this one doesn't really seem that much different. To be honest, its been a pretty good one for the most part. We bought a little stocking to hang on the tree with a G on it for Grayson. I really wish we would get to hang up a stocking every year. This Christmas will definitely be an emotional one because it will be the only one with my sweet Grayson James.
The doctor said he has hair and I really hope its blonde like mine. I think he has my eyes. Since Ellie and Noah look just like Patrick, I'd really like to have one of our three look like me:) Time isn't moving any slower. Right now, I'm 29 weeks!! It's gone by so fast and I wish I would have written more.
Grayson, mommy loves you so much!!! So many people ask about you and pray for you:) You are so special and perfect. Every kick reminds me that you are so alive and here. This is what I hold onto to keep me from getting depressed. Grayson, you have a purpose in this life that I might not ever know til I get to heaven, but I know its something wonderful. You are an angel. Ellie wants to bring you home and she also said that she would like to go to Heaven. I told her she could one day but not right now. She said she wants to be with you. I reminded her that you are still with mommy, kicking and moving.
We went to see Logan at the hospital tonight. His back surgery went extremely well. His "zipper" is working just fine:) He is so sweet and such a strong little boy...He's been through two major surgeries and he's only 6. He loves you so much and wants you to stay strong. You are gonna be my fighter. By the way, I talked to a neuro doctor at Leboneur tonight and she said they have many anecephalic babies that live for days, weeks, and even months. This gives me hope. Keep fighting buddy. Be strong and know you are loved Grayson.
I love you sweet angel, mommy is touching you right now. Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. If they do, him em with a shoe, til they turn black and blue.
Love,
Mommy
The doctor said he has hair and I really hope its blonde like mine. I think he has my eyes. Since Ellie and Noah look just like Patrick, I'd really like to have one of our three look like me:) Time isn't moving any slower. Right now, I'm 29 weeks!! It's gone by so fast and I wish I would have written more.
Grayson, mommy loves you so much!!! So many people ask about you and pray for you:) You are so special and perfect. Every kick reminds me that you are so alive and here. This is what I hold onto to keep me from getting depressed. Grayson, you have a purpose in this life that I might not ever know til I get to heaven, but I know its something wonderful. You are an angel. Ellie wants to bring you home and she also said that she would like to go to Heaven. I told her she could one day but not right now. She said she wants to be with you. I reminded her that you are still with mommy, kicking and moving.
We went to see Logan at the hospital tonight. His back surgery went extremely well. His "zipper" is working just fine:) He is so sweet and such a strong little boy...He's been through two major surgeries and he's only 6. He loves you so much and wants you to stay strong. You are gonna be my fighter. By the way, I talked to a neuro doctor at Leboneur tonight and she said they have many anecephalic babies that live for days, weeks, and even months. This gives me hope. Keep fighting buddy. Be strong and know you are loved Grayson.
I love you sweet angel, mommy is touching you right now. Good night, sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite. If they do, him em with a shoe, til they turn black and blue.
Love,
Mommy
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