Very Few Understand

I go to work everyday and try to do my job.  I try to live a "normal" life when nothing seems normal.  I'm not even sure what normal is anymore.  God I need you to help me through this.  I know I tell you this and you are with me.  I just want extra grace and mercy right now.  Everyone seems to keep moving on and going about their happy little lives while I think of what's ahead.  God you allow us to tell you how we feel and how we're hurting.  I already feel so inadequate as far as my jobs goes because I can't seem to do anything right.  I just want you to protect me right now.  In the shadow of your wings I want to stay for awhile.  I know I say very few understand but I know you've been here.  You were at this place 2,000 years ago when you sent your son to die for me.  Even two thousand years ago, you knew that Heather Walker would be born and come to know you and love you.  You knew that I would carry Grayson.  Lord you know the pain and hurt that goes with it. But you also know the outcome.  You are the creator and sustainer of life.  So God, I ask you to touch Grayson's body and heal him.  I know you have the power to do it. I know that in an instant he can be healed.  Let him be the miracle of anencephaly...baffle what doctors say is inevitable.  You are the healer.  You can do this.  You know you will be glorified through whatever outcome.   I really hope you have something different planned than what the doctors say but I will accept your will.  I want to be an advocate for life.  I want people to know that you are the one that gives it and takes it away.  While I continue on this roller-coaster going up and down, up and down, help me.  Enable me.  Empower me.  In order to keep teaching and going on the next few months, I need more  grace and mercy than ever.  Lord, give me the words to say, the thoughts that will give me peace, and the hope that sees through this valley.

Dear Grayson,
I'm sorry you have to feel the stress that I experience from day to day.  I do pray that Jesus is holding you and protecting you all the while.  I can't get over how active you are.  I feel like you're going to kick right out of my stomach.  I talked to you today when it was just me and you, alone.  I want you to know how beautiful your eyes are.  I think you have big eyes like me based on what the ultrasound shows.  Your nose looks just like Ellie's.  Your strong kicking legs are just like your big brother Noah's.  I enjoy holding you everyday.  I count it a blessing to feel your every movement and be connected to you in such a special way.  Son, you are loved so much and I can't tell you that enough.  Your daddy held up one of his discs to you the other day.  He told you about drivers and putters.  He is so competitive.  Hold on sweet baby and stay with me for a while.  I need you to hold. I need you for a long time.

I love you,
Mommy

Sorrow for a Season

Today was hard.  This week has been hard.  Feelings of fear and desperation come and go.  My mind thinks about so many things. I feel like I have so much to do and no energy or desire at times to get it done.  God knows that I am a busy body, always on the go, and an energetic person.  I reminded Him that today. I don't enjoy this feeling, sorrow. I am a control freak and want to have it all together. I feel like I've been trying so hard to hold it together and be strong because I am a Christian woman.  I have realized though that if I am trying to be strong and hold it together, I'm trying to do God's job.  I've asked God why and I know I won't know for a very long time if ever, but He does have some wonderful plan in store.  Is it easy to walk everyday knowing people are watching how you're going to react? No.  Is God using this precious little boy's life even as he kicks at this moment, Yes. But somehow, in the midst of all the joy and peace I've experienced, it hit me.  From what the doctors and the ultrasound say, I will not have the joy of taking my baby home from the hospital.  I will not get to go shopping for baby clothes, or pick out baby toys.  I won't get to nurse him and watch him run around with Ellie and Noah. I'm not sure why God picked Patrick and I for this but He will have to carry us every moment of every day.  I am hurting and frustrated right now.  I want to be able to all the things with Grayson that I've been able to do with the two beautiful children I already have.  While I know that I can take him places and do things with him while he's in my belly, I still yearn for the milestones.  First steps, first teeth, spitting out babyfood, cooing, first words.  Just holding this precious boy would be a miracle.  Even through the sorrow I feel right now, I know God will not forsake me and He will keep his promises.  They are promises.

A note to my sweet boy:

Dear Grayson,

Even though I haven't gotten to hold you in my arms, I hold you everyday as you kick and flip in my tummy.  Mommy and daddy love you so much!!! We look forward to the day we get to hold you in our arms, and pray daily that God gives us that.  Ellie and Noah love you dearly too.  Ellie actually said that she wanted to change your name to Olivia, but I don't know if Grayson Olivia is appropriate.  So far you've been to 3 weddings!! We took you to a scary corn maze with Christina, and Ryan.  You've been on a hayride and gone trick-r-treating, something your grandparents never let me or your daddy do!! I love you so much and I just want you to know that you are such a blessing.  You are perfect in every way.  God, Himself, has formed every part of you. Even at this moment he continues holding you and addding to you all the things that will make you Grayson James Walker.  Your little body is so sweet and you kick more and more all the time. By the looks of the ultrasouns pictures, you are take after your mommy!!  Oh,  If you don't enjoy me singing to you, you sure have fooled me because you kick so much.  Maybe you want me to stop, lol.  Mommy's going to get some rest for the both of us so I'm going to sing you the same song sing to Ellie and Noah.  They sing it to you every night.  "Night nght, Night night, Night night, all the little babies go night night.  Night night, Night night, Night night, sweet baby Grayson go Night night.

The Journey

One month has passed since we found out that our precious little boy has anencephaly.  The news hasn't gotten any easier but the strength and peace has been wonderful.  I am 21 weeks now and look forward to every moment, every kick, and every memory I get to have with our son.